A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

You Know You’re Getting Older When…

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You’re still chasing women but can’t remember why.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is “25 Years Ago Today…”

You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You’re startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.

You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

It’s time to turn your computer off and read a book when….

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10. You can’t call your mother. . She doesn’t have a modem.

11. You check you mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again.

12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.

From Late Show with David Letterman – Friday, November 11, 1994

Top Ten Signs You’re On A Bad Date

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he’s just some guy who works in a car wash.

9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.

8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.

7. Her Wonderbra’s on backwards.

6. Just as everything’s starting to go great, you’re both asked to return to your cells.

5. It’s costing you $

3.00 a minute.

4. You order a double Whopper and he says, “My name ain’t Rockefeller, honey.”

3. Waiter taking your order asks, “And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?”

2. He’s drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.

1. He won’t stop screaming “Pataki!” (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

Man is the king of his castle A king is a ruler A ruler is 12 inches Still think you’re a man?

Top Ten Signs You’re Becoming a Teenager

10) Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.

9) “Metal Mouth” and “Tinsel Teeth” have replaced your real name.

You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!

7) Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.

6) Even your zits have zits!

5) It’s not safe to say the word “mall” around you.

4) Let’s just say . . . sometimes you don’t smell too good.

3) You’ve gone from “A”. . . to “B” . . . to “C” . . . cup!

2) If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what you’re wearing than what you’re going to say.

1) If someone at your house is PMSing, it’s not always your mom!

You know you’re not a kid anymore when…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 pm and ask, “did i wake you?”

You have dreams about prunes.

You answer a question with “because i said so!”

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word “equity” means.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re refering to someone’s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel “old folks MTV.”

You go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You Might Be A Redneck… …If your dad walks u to school ’cause youre in the same grade! …If u mow the grass and find the car! …If someone comes to your house everyday thinking you’re having a garage sale! …If u sell the car 4 gas money!

You Know You’re From California When…

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway

2. Your were born somewhere else

3. You know how to eat an artichoke

4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic

5. Your car has bulletproof windows

6. Left is right and right is wrong

7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income

8. Your mouse has only one ball

9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up

10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by

11. You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it

12. You drive to your neighborhood block party

13. Your family tree contains “significant others”

14. Your dog has it’s own psychiatrist

15. You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!

16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance

17. More than clothes come out of the closets

18. “The Dead” are best live

19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach

20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse

21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers

22. Smoking in your office is not optional

23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach

24. When you can’t meet schedule because you must “do lunch”

25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks

26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news

27. You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman

28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day

29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery

You know you’re gay when:

1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.

2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.

3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.

4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.

5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.

6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.

7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.

8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.

9. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.

10. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.

11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.

12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.

13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.

14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.

15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.

16. Your pets always have great names.

17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.

18. You’re the only guy who gets to do the “Cosmo” quizzes.

19. You know how to get a waiter’s attention.

20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.

22. You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.

23. You get to choose your family.

24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.

25. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.

26. You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.

27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.

28. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.

29. You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.

30. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

31. You know how to “air kiss”.

32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.

33. You know how to dress strategically.

34. You know when to move out and move on.

35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.

36. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.

37. You know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t necessarily an insult.

38. You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.

39. You know which wine to bring.

40. Sales clerks don’t mess with you.

41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.

43. You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.

44. You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.

45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity

47. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

48. You have the latest International Male catalog.

49. You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.

50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.