1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.

You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.

You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.

You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”

You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king!”

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her… “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure!…

You’re not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.

The guy responds, “Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.”

“Great!,” responds the interviewer… we give disabled Vet preference. “You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.”

“But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?”, asks the guy.

“Yes, but you don’t have to come in until 10…

All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!”

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7. Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.

8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struthers sends you food.

13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.”

You believe “shallow gene pool” should have it’s own box on the report card.

You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention “vegetables” and you’re not talking about a food group.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

You can’t have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

If you think you’re having a bad day…read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally…….

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

You Know You’re in New York City When…

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.

2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.

3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, “Ack. More damned aliens.”

4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.

5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.

6. You pass a convenience store advertising “Free green cards, no questions asked.”

7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.

8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.

9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.

10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen’s car in front of you reads, “Warning: I break for pedestrians.”

You know you’re out of college when…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00 am is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You’re not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for “jackass”.

14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that police don’t raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you…and they’re no longer “adults” – they are your peers.

24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.

30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.

31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ’statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”