1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home.
She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized
nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I’m a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

* Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.

* Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

* Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

* Carrie Snow

Old age ain’t no place for sissies.

* Bette Davis

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

* Catherine Aird

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.

* Rhonda Hansome

The phrase “working mother” is redundant.

* Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

* Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

* Caryn Leschen

Whoever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

* Jan King

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

* Jennifer Unlimited

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

* Kathy Buckley

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb and I’m also not blonde.

* Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

* Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

* Sue Grafton

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

* Laurie Kuslansky

I think – therefore I’m single.

* Lizz Winstead

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears.

* Geri Jewell

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

* Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

* Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.

* Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

* Gloria Steinem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

* Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

* Linda Ellerbee

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

* Eleanor Roosevelt

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

Q. Why did God give man a penis?

A. So we’d have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman’s’ nipples for?

A. Its Braille for “suck here.”

Q. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. How is a women like a condom?

A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q.What’s the difference between a ’90’s woman and a computer?

A. A ’90’s woman won’t accept a three and a half inch floppy.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

1…Silence, the final frontier – Where no woman has gone before.

2…The undiscovered side of Banking – How to make deposits.

3…Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome – You don’t need new shoes everyday.

4…Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5…Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.

6…An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.

7…Man Management – Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8…Personal Space – Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.

9…Valuation – Just because it’s not important to you.

10..Communication Skills I – Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11..Communication Skills II – How to think before speaking.

12..What he really wants – Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13..Driving a car safely – A skill you can also acquire.

14..Real women drink their share at a party.

15..Telephones – How to hang up.

16..Parking – Beginners Course.

17..Parking (Advanced) – Reversing into a parking space.

18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel – Why they prefer the floor.

19..Managing your weight – It’s not water retention, it’s fat.

20..Learning to cook I – Bran in not food.

21..Learning to cook II – Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22..Compliments – How to accept them gracefully.

23..PMS – Your problem, not his.

Ladies…read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.” We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can’t have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says “I love you” like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.

Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, its just like every other cat. Don’t make us guess. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and they go to the fridge.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!” Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It’s a woman’s job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can’t Helen Keller drive? She’s a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t…there’s a clock on the oven!