The Geography of a Woman

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Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

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Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?” She paused a moment and looked around the room.

“I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice… “He’d still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!”

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “MAN, That is the ugliest baby I’ve EVER seen!”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me!” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Hey! He’s a public servant and he shouldn’t say things to insult the passengers.”

“You’re right!” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey!”

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her to shut up twice.

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind

I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind! I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information

System

———————————————————————-

Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115

lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large

quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–

1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common

ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to

reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES: ————

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: ———————–

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.

2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS: ———

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.

3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections

I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt

my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind

I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing

I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb

I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball

I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true

I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? I’m tired of being just friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It’s easier for me to douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away.

The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.

5. This diamond is just way too big.

4. I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.

2. Does this make my butt look too small??

1. I’m wrong, you must be right again..

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don’t, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don’t, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don’t, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an ‘experienced man’. If you don’t, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don’t, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren’t, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it’s bad. If you aren’t, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her. If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way.

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, ‘oh it’s natural, we are girls’.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it’s just one of the man’s tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not

remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told, “Your problem

is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.

You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not

particular.”