What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?

There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist’s head is so much bigger.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, “the bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.”

The chief gives him a sword, he says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me, please.”

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,

“God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “gimme a fork.”

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over — the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal.

He asks, “My God almighty, what are you doing?”

And the New Yorker replies, “So much for your canoe!”

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

“I’m about to close,’ the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that! I’ll close my own incision!”

The doctor hands him the thread and says, “Go ahead…Suture self”!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

“Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time.

But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great!” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well… you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring…

So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Just remember, it’s our little secret…

You know, woman to woman.”

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for… but what’s the BEER for?” At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Come on, nurse!!!… I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!”

Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey… My Love… Darling… Sweetheart… Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”

Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!”

Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

A: You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q: What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.

A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years…chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,… “Please don’t be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years…What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says…

“How soon do you have to know?”

What’s the difference between a white owl and a black owl?

A white owl goes WHO WHO WHO A black owl goes WHODAT WHODAT WHODAT