1. I bought that truck new.
2. I won this belt buckle in the rodeo.
3. I was just helping that sheep get over the fence.

The largest of the three said, “Well, he ain’t getting none of my cows.”

The medium bull said, “He ain’t getting none of my cows.”

The little bull said, “Well, if he ain’t getting any of your’s, them he sure as hell ain’t getting one of mine.”

Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. He’s big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says, “He can have my cows,” the medium bull says, “He can have mine, too.” The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on.

“What’s with you?” the other two asked. “I’m just showing him I ain’t a cow!” answered he.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. “Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, “I don’t know, I’ll come see.” She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, “Was I going up or coming down?”

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters shook her head and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they’d heard last night was.

He replied, “Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.”

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.

During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, “Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.”

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.

So, he said, “Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them in the trash,” she replied.

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.

“What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.

The third nun fainted.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

The next dog said,”I peed on my masters $1,000 rug”.

The next dog then comes in and say’s,”My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!”.

“And that’s why you’re here?” asked the other dogs. “No, I’m getting my nails clipped.”

The first guy says, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me!”

“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor.

“I have no dick!”

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me!”

“What’s wrong?” the doctor asks.

“I have no dick!”

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!”

“Why?” asks the doctor.

“Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!” He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, “Doctor! I hate you!”

“Why?” the doctor asks.

“Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!” He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, “Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!”

“Why?”

“Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!”

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

“Who’s been eating my porridge,” he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

“Who’s been eating my porridge!,” he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells -

“For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this?”

“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who got up first.”

“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who woke everybody else in the house up.”

“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who made the Coffee.”

“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.”

“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.”

“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who set the table.”

“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water & food dish.”

“And, now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace ‘Momma Bear’ with your presence, …listen good, ’cause I’m only going to say this one time…

“I haven’t made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!”

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, “Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.”

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, “7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.”

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, “Jack Daniels.”

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, “Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.”

The third lady says, “Yep, thats my Larry!”