1. Only in America…… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America…… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America…… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America…… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America…… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America…… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America…… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America…… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America…… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America…… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(In a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out.

Person 1: This is your first time… right?

Person 2: Yeah… today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.

And to think — I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…

Holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut

butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth…

Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You’re good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel…

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really… I do this part better myself!

It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people.

You’re almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you’re just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you…

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession…

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?

I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think biting is romantic — don’t you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like… Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?

Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.

Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don’t do toes!

You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…

I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.

So that’s why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses…

Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…

How long do you plan to be “almost there”?

You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

1. “Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem…”

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. “Charge the mound” when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

5. “Musical accompaniment provided by…”

6. Stage your own death/suicide.

7. Lead the specators in a Wave.

8. Have a sing-a-long.

9. “You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?”

10. “Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and

concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin…”

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it

and saying, “Quite right, old bean!”

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the

overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp

points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t

wear it out!”

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would

go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle

of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an

episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says

no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your

intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE!

Oh, no, sorry.”

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you

actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”.

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang

cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been

drinking.

24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.

28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee

henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.

29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard

erasers.

30. Watch the professor through binoculars.

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31. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.

32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”

33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your

name, even if it’s Smith. Claim that the “i” is silent.

34. Sit in the front row, reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.

35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,

volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s

reply and proceed to do so anyway.

36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.

37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and

scream “IMPOSTER!”

38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Sign-up Sheet

#” at the top, and start passing it around the room.

40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before

taking your seat.

41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”

42. Disassemble your pen. “Accidentally” propel pieces across the room while

playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.

Repeat.

43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.

47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask “Did he have any children?”

48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of

ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you can’t see Macedonia.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say,

“oh geez, better get cracking,” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in

a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the

secret documents!!”

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long

answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative.

Use the intregral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left

nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your

answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO

sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the

instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say

to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every

lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you?

Where’s the regular guy?”

8. Bring a Game Boy and play it with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every

question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds

that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of

relief. Go to the instructor, say, “They’ve found me, I have to leave

the country,” and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very

small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, “Merry Christmas.”

If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost

the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,

and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as

vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!

For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she/he is not looking.

Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping

your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them

stay, and be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of

the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another

seat, and continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,

start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it

is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE,

etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers

completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,

scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor

that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour

to go drink).

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during

the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell

him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my

head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a

white mask and start yelling, “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until

they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the

class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you

belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your

right to take the exam.

The list continues below

Click Here!

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, “you

don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives

is on!!!”

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the

instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave

one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River

Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could

possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If

it is a written exam, relate everything you your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.

Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious…like

history notes for a calculus exam…otherwise you’re not just failing,

you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the

comment, “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question,

and ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do

before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray

to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you

every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you–desks, chairs,

anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90

degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked

to stop, say, “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook

with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical

instruments during finals. Don’t forget to us the phrase, “Told you so.”

50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.”

31. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and

code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers

McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question,

walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”

33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.

34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular

intervals.

35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the

teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten

minutes.

39. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the

funk”.

40. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and

deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

41. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

42. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be

required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark

through Armenia, for next class.

43. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.

Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

44. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

46. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

47. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep

their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I

picked up in the field”.

48. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,

“Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”

49. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for

attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690″ and mention that yesterday

was the last day to drop.

50. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11

number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in

place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.

51. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream

“MY PACEMAKER!”

3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student

and scream “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a

question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t

hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.

6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them

your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.

Smartypants?”

7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses

with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering

“tsk, tsk”.

8. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.

9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether

your butt looks fat.

10. Play “Kumbaya” on the banjo.

11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.

Giggle throughout it.

12. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention

hotline number on the board.

13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

14. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s

“Sex Machine.”

15. Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps

would know” and move on before anyone can answer.

16. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by

the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

17. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead

of you as you pace back and forth.

18. Address students as “worm”.

19. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a

single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any

moment.

20. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping,

and begin singing spirituals.

21. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a

waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

22. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s

name, rank, and serial number.

23. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and

announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.

24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks

a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

25. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space

for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your

sentence and proceed normally.

26. Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a

question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your

hands.

27. Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.

28. Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.

29. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite

numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.

30. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class

projects.

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly,

exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes

get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt

tends to bleed all over.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of

the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor’s evil plot, then run full

force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your

shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim

“Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the

blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then

return to your side, whistling the tune “It’s a Small World After All.”

7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next

stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will

cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the

bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks

in it.

8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to

knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had

some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your

stomach.

9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person

showering.

10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the

duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.

After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?”

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, “That’s me before the surgery.”

Did you ever wonder…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?