After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?”

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, “That’s me before the surgery.”

Did you ever wonder…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Did you hear about the blonde who tripped over her cordless phone?

She later locked herself in the bathroom and pissed herself because she couldn’t hold it until someone came to rescue her.

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn’t matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

01. I can see your point, but you’re still full of crap.

02. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronouce.

03. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

04. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

07. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

08. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

11. This isn’t and office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

14. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

And here’s a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …

Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…

Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …

But fart just one time…

Make the world your playground.

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.

If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.

Nap often.

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.

Life is hard, and then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they’re busy.

Climb your way to the top, that’s why the curtains are there.

Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care”.

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

3.) There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.

4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.

7.) No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9.) Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11.) Never lick a steak knife.

12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13.) “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.

Things You’d Love to Say at Work!

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be………..?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting!

4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You!……..Off my planet.

8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder …….. My work here is done.

21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn’t say:

You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, you’re on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth… Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance… You’re almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you’re just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession… I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- don’t you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”? Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper… I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise… ——————————-

Guys shouldn’t say:

A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, let’s turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober… (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth… I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You’re good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel… No, really… I do this part better myself! It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people… That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you… Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? You’ll still vote for me, won’t you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about… A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses… How long do you plan to be “almost there”? You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

(ATTENTION… if you don’t get it, seek help fast