There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.”I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:”But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

There was this fellow who received a phone call from his doctor. The doctor said, “I have some bad news and some really bad news.”The fellow said, “let me have it.”The doctor said, “The bad news is that I got your test results back and you have only 24 hours to live.”The man groaned, sobbed, and otherwise carried on. Finally he asked the doctor, “What’s the really bad news?”The doctor replied, “I forgot to call you yesterday!”

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!” The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!” Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?” The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”

So the Germans can march in the shade.

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?” The local reaches out and softly cups the camel’s genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. “It’s about 2:00″, he says. The tourist can’t believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, “The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel’s genitals!” One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel’s genitals. The local says “Sit down here and grab the camel’s genitals.”The farmer complied.”Now, lift them up in the air and look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall.”

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while, he started advancing on her. Before long though, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.”It’s OK,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”So after a wild night of bliss the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay.The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – “The hat check girl puts out!”

In Las Vegas, there are many ministers who hold marriages. So in the middle of the night, a couple knock on the door of a church. One groom and one bride with a heavy veil so the face cannot be seen. The minister lets them in and they do the usual. After the marriage, the groom asks how much he should pay. The minister says the price is on the beauty of the bride. So the groom flips him a quarter. The minister suprised, he lifts the veil of the bride. The minister then says, “Hold on son, I owe you some change.”

The one labeled “IDAHO”.

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the ‘Presidential Election Fund’, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a ’1.5 inch screw’. (See attached article – HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and ‘screwdrivers’.Sincerely,I. Getscrewed Everyear

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”