Lieberman’s law: Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Denniston’s law: Virtue is its own punishment.

Gold’s law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.

Conway’s law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.

Finster’s law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Lynch’s law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Muir’s law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Glyme’s formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Mason’s first law of synergism: The one day you’d sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.

Hanlon’s razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Handy guide to modern science:

If it’s green or wriggles, it’s biology.

If it stinks, it’s chemistry.

If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.

Green’s law of debate: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Stewart’s law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

First rule of history: History doesn’t repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

Oliver’s law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Harrison’s postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” ”Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. ”Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, “IS THERE A GOD?”

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

“There is now”, read the printout.

Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

He held her hands and said meaningfully : “You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying…”

She squeezed his hands as he continued: “When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply….”

He continued: “Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.”

“Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now… And you were still beside me… “

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: “And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me…There’s something I’ll really like to say to you…”

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, “I think you bring me bad luck!”

“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”

“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Al asked.

“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated.

“We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!”