Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” ”Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. ”Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, “IS THERE A GOD?”

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

“There is now”, read the printout.

Why don’t most women ever tell their husbands when they’re really enjoying sex?

Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

A man was walking across the road when he met an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully : “You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying…”

She squeezed his hands as he continued: “When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply….”

He continued: “Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.”

“Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now… And you were still beside me… “

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: “And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me…There’s something I’ll really like to say to you…”

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, “I think you bring me bad luck!”

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”

“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”

“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Al asked.

“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated.

“We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!”

There is a Mama lion, a Daddy lion & a Baby lion. The mama lion & the daddy lion were having a lot of fights so they decided to get a divorce. The lion family goes in front of a judge to decide custody of the baby
lion. The judge asks the baby lion “Do you wanna live with mama lion?” The baby lion answers “No, mama lion beats me.” The judge said “Alright, do you wanna live with daddy lion?” The baby lion answers “No, daddy lion beats me worse.” The judge asks “Who do you wanna live with then?” The baby answers “The Detroit Lions, they don’t beat anybody.”

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Because they all have phones.

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.”I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:”But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”