How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the butter!

Yo mama is so stupid, it took her an hour to make minute rice!

He was sent to blow up a car and burned his lips on the tailpipe.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m stupid”. That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the doce, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope – Talked ‘em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a gut inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump intot his pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. I said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”We were trying to sell our car about a years ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing a sign, I could have stopped him.I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. the truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for he

Yo mama is so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

Remake of “Roots” starring Michael Jackson
Performance of “The Nutcracker” by the Bolshoi Ballet with special guest Hillary Clinton
The Martha Stewart WWF Smackdown
Any sitcom starring Emeril Lagasse
Jerry Falwell napping with a Teletubby stuffed toy
Any day in the life of the British royalty
Ricky Martin in a tasteful, hot pink, off-the-shoulder number
Bill Gates on a Harley Davidson
Yet another commercial starring Carrot Top
Osama bin Laden in a Christian Science bookstore

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents The police are not here to create disorder. They’re here to preserve disorder.”
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other simila

"Whenever
I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to
be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff." –Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost
a very important part of your life," –Brooke
Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson
for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other
part of my body," –Winston Bennett, University
of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one
of the lowest crime rates in the country," –Mayor
Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I’m not going to have some reporters pawing
through our papers. We are the president." –Hillary
Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment.
It’s the impurities in our air and water that are
doing it." –Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in
Phoenix." –Dan Quayle
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
–Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may
or may not occur." –Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports
come from overseas."–Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed
away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
is a change in your circumstances."–Department
of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

Sighting #1:

I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, “sure.” The next thing I hear is, “Hey, where do you put the coffee?” I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.



Sighting #2:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”



Sighting #3:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, “What on

earth are blind people doing DRIVING???”



Sighting #4:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to “rightsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.



Sighting #5:

I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.



Sighting #6 (a rare “double sighting”):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.



Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support:

“How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”

Induhvidual:

“Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”



Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

Induhvidual:

Now what do I do?

Tech Support:

What is the prompt on the screen?

Induhvidual:

It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.”

Tech Support:

Okay, so type in your last name.

Induhvidual:

How do you spell that?

Okay, this is an actual episode of the Newlywed Game.

The question was “What is your husband’s favorite South American country?”

The first wife answered Brazil.

The second wife was a bit puzzled as to what the term “South American”
meant. She answered “New Mexico.” The MC explained to her that that
was a U.S. state, not a South American country. still confused as to
what this strange adjective “South American” meant, she answered “Mexico.”
The third wife was sure of her answer. She wasn’t as confused as wife number
two and showed it. when it came time to give her answer, she answered very
confidently “I know what my husband’s favorite South American country is:
it’s Africa!” The MC allowed it.

The fourth wife answered “Mexico” as well. One out of four ain’t bad.

The only husband to give the same answer as his wife was the fourth,
who answered “Mexico.”