A man goes up to an ATM machine. After entering his PIN, another man comes up behind him and tells him to withdraw $500. The man says that he doesn’t have any money and was just checking his account balance. He shows the robber by checking his account balance. Sure enough, the ATM shows that there is no money. The robber curses and flees.

The man then reaches into his vest pocket and withdraws an envelope filled with cash and deposits it.

“Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.” –President Gerald Ford

“My fellow astronauts…”

–Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

“Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”

–Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”

–Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

“I stand by all the misstatements.”

–Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes

“Gerald Ford was a Communist”

–Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say ‘Congressman’.

“Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”

–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

“We found the term ‘killing’ too broad.”

–State Department spokesperson on why the word ‘killing’ was replaced with ‘unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life’ in its human rights reports for 1984-5

“This is a great day for France!”

–President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral

“This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected.”

–California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood

“It’s not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host.”

–James Baker, televangelist.

“The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.”

–Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

“The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police.”

–U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

“What he does on his own time is up to him.”

–Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.

“Facts are stupid things.”

–Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

A blonde comes home one day to find her husband banging another woman.

“Billy, what are you doing?!” she cries.

Billy looks at his lover and says, “See. I told you she was stupid.”

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are when the English man says, “You know, my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week and she bought $300 worth of meat, but we don’t even have a freezer.”

The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing. My wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can’t even drive.”

The Irishman says, “You think that’s stupid? I went home last week and my wife told me that she’d booked herself a two week holiday in the Caribbean. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn’t even have a penis…”

There was a Chinese dude, a Mexican dude, and a Blonde dude. The Chinese dude says, “What?!! Sushi again? If I have to eat sushi for lunch again, I’m gonna jump off a building!” Then the Mexican dude says, “What?!! Tacos again? If I have to eat tacos for lunch again, I’m gonna jump off a building too!” And then finally, the Blonde dude says, “What?!! A sandwich again? If I have to eat a sandwich for lunch again, I’m gonna jump off a building also!” At the funeral, the wife of the Chinese dude said, “If I knew you didn’t like sushi, I wouldn’t have made it for you anymore!” Then the wives of the Mexican dude said, “If we knew you didn’t like tacos, we wouldn’t have made it for you anymore!” And everyone in tears looks at the Blonde dude’s wife. All she had to say was, “What?!! HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH!!!!!”

Yo mama’s so stupid she tried to drown a fish.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quaterback is a refund.

Below are questions that people “actually asked” of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.

(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park…

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park…

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)…

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park…

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park…

How much of the cave is underground?

So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park…

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park…

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

A gorilla was walking thru’ a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, ‘Who’s the king of the jungle?’, and the deer replied, ‘Oh, you are, Master.’

The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared,’Who’s the king of the jungle?’, of course, the zebra replied, ‘You are, master.’

The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. ‘Who’s the king of the jungle?’, he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, ‘Ok, ok, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer!’

yo momma so stupid that she asked you what kind of jeans you had on. And you said Guess so she said Levi’s.