On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.” On a Front Door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Scientist’s door: “Gone Fission” On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.” In a Podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.” On a Butcher’s window: “Let me meat your needs.” On another Butcher’s window: “Pleased to meat you.” At a Used Car Lot: “Second Hand cars in first crash condition.” On a fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.” Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.” At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?” In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.” On a desk in a Reception Room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.” In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Beauty Shop: “Dye now!”

On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a Cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”

On the door of a Music Library: “Bach in a minuet.” In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” In a Counselor’s office: “Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional.”

1. Your potted plants stay alive.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to

7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.

10. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie – it’s the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.

18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $

4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho’s.

23. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

25. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Here’s some sure signs you may be a Canadian…

You’re not offended by the term, “Homo Milk” You understand, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine.” You know what it means to be on ‘pogey’. You know that “a mickey” and “2-4′s” mean “Party at the cabin, eh!!” You don’t hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. You can drink legally while still a ‘teen’. You don’t give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it’s just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. You’re not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don’t want to know if he has! You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that.” You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as “for children and the elderly, and for export to the US”. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You believe “the Canadian Conspiracy” should have won an Oscar. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens’ lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them. You design your Hallowe’en costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7. Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.

8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struthers sends you food.

13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you suddenly realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.

As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn!”

Your boss is standing behind you. And it’s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you’re the only coffee drinker there.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”

You wake up hung over.

You have a black eye and barked knuckles.

Your underwear is missing.

You’re in jail.

Last night was the company Christmas party.

*** Signs that you “just might” have a drinking problem. ***

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.

“Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

“BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”

In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a non-smoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”

On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”

On a butcher’s window, “You can beat our prices, but you can’t beat our meat.”

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”

On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company, “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”

In a Beauty Shop, “We curl up and Dye for you.”

On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Sign on a brake repair shop in Joliet, Illinois, “We stand in front of our work.”

Sign on a muffler shop in Santa Cruz, “We’re the Nobody that Midas brags about.”

1. You’ve ever cut your grass and found a car.

2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.

3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.

5. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

7. You own a homemade fur coat.

8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

10. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I

can take a bath.”

11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as “the day my ship came in.”

12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

14. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from

the Governor to spare a loved one.

16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall

because of her language.

17. Someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”

18. Birds are attracted to your beard.

19. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

21. You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.

22. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

23. Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

25. You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.

26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.

27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

31. Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

33. You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.

34. There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

37. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

40. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

41. You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.

42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

43. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.

45. Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”

46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

47. You’ve ever bought a used cap.

48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.

50. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.

51. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.

52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.

54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

58. You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

60. You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

61. You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

65. You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.

66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before

telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

68. You own a denim leisure suit.

69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

71. You’ve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.

72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

73. You have a rag for a gas cap.

74. The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.

75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on

your arm.

77. You’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge

clearance restrictions.

78. You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time call….”

79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.

82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs

with beer bottles.

83. Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas

dinner.

84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.

85. You’ve ever been too drunk to fish?

86. You cut your toenails in front of company.

87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

89. Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.

90. You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

91. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.

92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

93. You can spit without opening your mouth.

94. You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.

95. You call your boss “dude”.

96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

97. You have grease under your toenails.

98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father

made it.

99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

101. You’ve ever been fired from a construction job because of your

appearance.

102. You’ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.

103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute

for toilet paper.

105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.

107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wife’s

hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

109. Your father walks you to school because you’re both in the same

grade.

110. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your pick-up does.

111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the “Lube Rack”.

112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.

114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.

115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.

116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.

117. Your family tree doesn’t fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase “turn off the paved road”.

119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you’re at bingo.

121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.

122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

124. You’ve been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.

125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.

126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a

freebie at the “House of Tattoos”.

127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.

132. Your brother and sister get divorced…from each other.

133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture…and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.

134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek…

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!”

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”