10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You’re amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications.”
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server.”
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, “I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!”

   … and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two words: “Pizza’s here.”

15. They stripped you and locked you in the trunk of your car with a fifth of vodka – but that was three weeks ago, and you’re getting cold and hungry.
14. Your “hazing” involves rope, concrete blocks, and a river.
13. Other pledges: hazing guided by the university’s Uniform Code of Acceptable Fraternal Practice; You: hazing guided by old “RoadRunner” cartoons.
12. You understand the spanking part of the hazing ritual, but the peanut butter and the German Shepherd were totally uncalled for.
11. You get a “special” hazing which involves a Jacuzzi and a toaster.
10. Even though you’re 99% finished with that ‘Get elected US President’ hazing ritual, they still won’t return your calls.
9. They refuse to let you borrow their Hootie and the Blowfish CDs.
8. The only times they let you into a frat party are when they need some fingerprints on a piece of evidence.
7. They only let you binge from the keg of O’Douls.
6. They challenge the pledge class to see how many pledges can fit into your sister.
5. Everyone else’s drunken group-bonding features strong homoerotic overtones, but yours is just a naked paddling.
4. All the sorority virgins get taken to *your* bed. Just not by you.
3. They trade you, 3 Molsons and a bag of Funions to the Deltas for a neon beer sign.
2. Helloooo? You’re *paying money* to hang out with them! Do I need to repeat that?

   and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Sign Your Fraternity Brothers Don’t Really Like You…

1. Your pledge command: Every time George W. Bush says something dumb, you do a shot.

[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
[   Copyright 2000 by Chris White    ]

1. The technician who signs out your camera can’t stop laughing
2. Your cold makes your voice sound like Jerry Lewis
3. “The friggin thing’s warped”
4. The second after your batteries stop charging, they’re completely dead
5. Your B-roll has poppy seeds [bah-dum]
6. Everyone you interview insists on speaking in pig-latin
7. Your editing room is titled “Hell”
8. The footage is 32 hours of feet
9. Title: Mailboxes, Big and Small
10. We had a video project due?!

[I'm perfectly willing to explain anything you found confusing. I tried to stay away from techie terms, but I do write these lists for my *own* amusement... ]

14. Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.
13. The last sensation felt by anyone “borrowing” a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.
12. No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.
11. He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to “make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel.”
10. His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.
9. Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.
8. You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now he’s the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.
7. “I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?”
6. His shoe has a setting for either “Ring” or “Vibrate.”
5. She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN’ DAY!
4. Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the “tip” he promised you was “dump all your stocks.”
3. Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.
2. He asks you to pull his finger — until it clicks.

   and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Sign Your Coworker is a Spy…

1. He introduces himself as “Bond… Jame… Er, Finkelmeyer… Junius Finkelmeyer.”

[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
[   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
2. Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker…

1. You hear her murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

Thanx to William.Conway@gdc.com

Sometimes stays in bed till after 5 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full “Marilyn Manson” makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”

Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to alternative!.”

You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.”

He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You”

10. Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping

9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes

8. Domino’s keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street

7. Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out

6. You get nominated for “Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video”

5. Your dishwasher functions are “Wash,” “Rinse” and “Record”

4. Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room

3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, “Roger that, Chico”

2. You googled a recipe for humus and the FBI raided your house

1. Suddenly discover there’s an antenna bolted to your ass

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease…

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”

Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the ‘Golden Archs Logo’.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

Your cow joins the Hell’s Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.

Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting “MOO” backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you’ll wear something sexy this time.

Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells “Bullseye”!

Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called “LaCream Abdul Milkbar”.

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.