Daily Jokes to Beat the Boredom » Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com Keeping the world smiling Tue, 06 Dec 2011 06:00:09 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 50 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/50-ways-to-confuse-your-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/50-ways-to-confuse-your-roommate/#comments Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:55:24 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=28337 50 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”

20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ballpoint pens.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).

36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.


]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/50-ways-to-confuse-your-roommate/feed/ 0 How To Annoy Your Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/how-to-annoy-your-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/how-to-annoy-your-roommate/#comments Wed, 07 Mar 2007 18:55:28 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=27884 Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding
your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the
wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate’s head while he/she is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every
morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud
as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep
looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”
Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for
your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised.
Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again.”
Every time you see your roommate yell, “You jerk” and kick him/her in
the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate’s bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you’ve been
watching too much “Beavis & Butthead.” Do it again. Tell him/her that you’re
not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.” Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile
them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are
coming, but you can’t say anything more, or you’ll have to face the
consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate’s faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate
a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
“Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you’re going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home.
Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, “Help! Where am I?!” and run
around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate
asks, say you don’t know what he/she is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at
it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s spreading.”
Buy a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” for lunch every day. Eat the straw and
the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room
with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant,
but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look
at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, “Don’t come in, I’m naked!” Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off
all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential “new” roommates from around campus. Give them tours
of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of
him/her, and reply, “Oh, him/her? He/she won’t be here much longer.”
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, “Ungrateful little…”
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed. Insist that you don’t know
how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep
one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room
and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One
day, miraculously “recover.” Insist that your roommate write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, “Oooh,
are you dying?”
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff
back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your turn.”
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, he’s around here somewhere.”
Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for you.” Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message
was. Later on, say, “Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep
this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself.
Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking
backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you’re going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings.
Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where
is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to
return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait
a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to
your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave,
and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick.
Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate
asks, explain that “It’s a jungle out there.” Get your roommate to bring you
food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear
for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a
crack and whispering to your roommate, “Psst! Is it gone?”
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that
you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull’s eye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, “I’m sorry. It
won’t happen again.” When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate “Clyde” by accident. Start doing so every so often.
Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him
“Clyde” all the time. If your roommate protests, say, “I’m sorry. I won’t
do that anymore, Murray.”
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the
room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, “Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and
then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, “That
was your mom. She said she’d call back.”
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and
go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, “Okay, guys, you can
come out now.”
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take
it off, say, “Who do you think you are? A king?”
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing.
Then, look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.”
Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act offended, throw
the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I
want to watch them suffer.”
Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless he/she
says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can ‘t
guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play
loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the
party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, “Well, it was fun while
it lasted.”
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that
the tire swing was your roommate’s idea. When you and your roommate are
alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate’s possessions out the
window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have
won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he
remove all of his possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood
donor, organ donor).
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that
you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate
accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has
offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying
to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate’s. If he/she asks about it,
tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to
your roommate.
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of
light bulbs.
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on
the videotape, look at the screen and say, “Don’t do that.”
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside
it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week,
report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one
that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (“Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!
837-9494! Holy cow!”)
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If
your roommate asks what’s wrong, explain that your shadow can’t box with you
anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell,
“Oh, you’re here!” Walk away yelling and cursing.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says
no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say
nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say,
“Don’t worry. It’s not what you think.” If he/she asks about it again,
immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the
mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the
mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit
your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble,
“I’ll get that pesky road runner….”
Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what
you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.” Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you’d like to
have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk
the plank if he/she doesn’t swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the
plants. Whisper to them, “We’ll continue this later,” while eyeing your
roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you’re not using the telescope, act
like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with
the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that
they’re stupid and they don’t know what they’re talking about.
Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your
roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to
McDonalds, can I take your… Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and
pout.
Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things
and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that
you just couldn’t take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate
to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the
importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good
luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When
you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be,
hold your head, and mutter, “Stupid horseshoe….”
Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate
that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in
your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o-lantern, but you
can’t convince it to move out.
As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light,
look around and pretend to be confused.
Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a
month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been
taking steroids.
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you
love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain
about how much you hate lemonade.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good
old days, when we used to…” and make up stories involving you and your
roommate.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and
hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you.
Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos
just aren’t what they used to be.”
Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there’s going to
be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on
his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake
hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate
that the lobster is making up his own rules.
Make pancakes every morning, but don’t eat them. Draw faces on them,
and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day.
Complain to your roommate that your “pancake farm” isn’t evolving into a
self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can
fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate
objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down
the hall.
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training.
Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel
spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your
roommate to apologize to the camel.
Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they’re
for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate
is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of
the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you
know what the Sandman’s teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact,
not the Sandman’s teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/how-to-annoy-your-roommate/feed/ 0 Top Ten Ways To Freak Out Your Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/top-ten-ways-to-freak-out-your-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/top-ten-ways-to-freak-out-your-roommate/#comments Sat, 04 Nov 2006 12:55:58 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=24926 10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ”He just didn’t belong.”

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ”It’s spreading, it’s spreading.”

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ”Soon, soon….”

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ”I’ve got an important message for you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, ”Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ”Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ”Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.

Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ”Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ”No, I want to watch them suffer.”’

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/top-ten-ways-to-freak-out-your-roommate/feed/ 0 42 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/42-ways-to-confuse-your-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/42-ways-to-confuse-your-roommate/#comments Sun, 20 Aug 2006 23:56:16 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=23113 Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your
seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work
up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than
meets the eye.”
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo.
If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class
(or hit him/her with the wrench).
Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you
are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend
nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When
you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your
roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse
you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of
grievances.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then
look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of
stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce
that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to
discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with,
“Didja ever wonder why…” Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your
dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta
save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that
you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least
6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for
your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as
soon as you wake up.

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/42-ways-to-confuse-your-roommate/feed/ 0 Different Ways To Get Your Male Roommate To Bug Off http://www.jokesrevealed.com/different-ways-to-get-your-male-roommate-to-bug-off/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/different-ways-to-get-your-male-roommate-to-bug-off/#comments Sun, 16 Jul 2006 07:56:25 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=22257 Get him laid. That’s what he really needs. He will stop paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else.

Use the direct approach. When he comes in, say, “I’m doing homework now. Can I talk to you later?.” If that’s too polite, say “Go away now. I’m doing homework.”

Use the “bad cat” approach. Purchase a high-powered squirt gun. Whenever he does something like that, say “I’m doing my homework. Anyone interrupting me will be wet.” Then, blast away. He’s been warned. I’ve discovered that this is an excellent way to keep my cat from scratching the furniture. I yelled at him and moved him until I realized that he was doing it for attention. After I squirted him three different times, he stopped permanently. Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly.

Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, the Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow. Turn it on and play it really loud when you don’t want to be interrupted.

Set a small bear trap near the door. Cover it with a towel.

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/different-ways-to-get-your-male-roommate-to-bug-off/feed/ 0 Ways 2 Annoy Your Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-2-annoy-your-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-2-annoy-your-roommate/#comments Fri, 20 Jan 2006 18:57:07 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=18020 1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.



2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.



3. Twitch a lot.



4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.



5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.



6. Become a subgenius.



7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.



8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.



9. Speak in tongues.



10. Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.



11. Walk and talk backwards.



12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.



13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”



14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.



15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).



16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.



17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.



18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.



19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”



20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.



21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.



22. Eat glass.



23. Smoke ballpoint pens.



24. Smile. All the time.



25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.



26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.



27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.



28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.



29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.



30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.



31. Dye all your underwear lime green.



32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.



33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.



34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.



35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).



36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.



37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.



38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.



39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.



40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.



41. Shave one eyebrow.



42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.



43. Put horseradish in your shoes.



44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.



45. Always flush the toilet three times.



46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.



47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.



48. Give him/her an allowance.



49. Listen to radio static.



50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.



51. Speak into a walkie-talkie in truckerUs terms.



52. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the glid and tell your roommate that youUve turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles.



53. Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.



54. Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommateUs bed.



55. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.



56. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.



57. Come home from class with a bucket of plaster of paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommateUs underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her, RSorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed.S



58. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you roommate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets.



59. Point west at 3 AM every night and yell, RIt came from that way.S



60. Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.



61. Whenever your roommate is out, turn the volume on his stereo ALL THE WAY UP. When he turns on his stereo, complain hysterically about the noise and his lack of courtesy.

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-2-annoy-your-roommate/feed/ 0 Things To Do To Your Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/things-to-do-to-your-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/things-to-do-to-your-roommate/#comments Mon, 16 Jan 2006 02:57:08 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=17908 Take all the chip bags… open them… lick all the chips of their flavor and put them back in the bag…



hide one of their shoes every day for about a week…



Keep your room real messy for a few weeks. Clean it while your roommate is out. Leave before they come back. Arrive after them and then angrily accuse them of cleaning up your room.



Take all of the hair out of their brush and stick it to the wall with scotch tape.



Insist on cleaning their fingernails for them every night.



Crumple empty chip bags the whole time your roommate is home.



Make a shine dedicated to them.



Whistle one line of a song and repeat it for 3 days, then pick a new line.



Play Scottish music 24 hours a day full blast.



Every night at midnight, stick your head out the window and scream “GO AWAY MONSTERS! GO AWAY!” Do this every night for 6 weeks.



Sniff their underwear while they’re still wearing it.



Buy fish and a fish tank. Dye the water with food coloring. Talk to the fish and giggle often while staring at your roommate.



Tie all your socks up in knots. Hang them from the ceiling. Count them every time you walk in the room.



Every time your roommate walks in the room, shake their hand and smile sweetly. If they refuse, wipe the smile off your face, clench your teeth and growl whenever they walk in the room for the next two weeks.



Watch test patterns.



Collect bottles of colored water on the floor. Refuse to discuss them.



Buy lots of slinkys and hang them from your ceiling while humming “It’s Slinky, it’s Slinky…”



Buy lots of pictures. Hang them up upside down. Stand on your head to look at them.



Tack candy wrappers on your walls.

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/things-to-do-to-your-roommate/feed/ 0 Ways To Torture Your Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-torture-your-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-torture-your-roommate/#comments Fri, 30 Sep 2005 13:57:34 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=15327 Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas



Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.



Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.



Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.



Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, ”Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”



Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.



Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say ”you’ve been very naughty this year.”



Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.



Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. ”You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.”)



Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.



Sing: ”All I want for Christmas is my roomate’s two front teeth…”



Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.



Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically ”it didn’t work!”



Whip your roomate screaming ”now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”



Tear down all your roomate’s Christmas decorations yelling ”Bah Humbug!”



Wake up every morning screaming ”Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”



Tell your roomate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.



Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.



Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.



Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate’s friends ”give it a yank.”



Ring jingle bells maniacally saying ”every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”



Stand in front of the mirror reciting ”How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.



Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.



Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, ”he sees you when you’re sleeping…”



Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her ”I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”



When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-torture-your-roommate/feed/ 0 Ways To Confuse A Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate/#comments Sun, 22 Aug 2004 22:59:11 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=5640 These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your turn.”

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate/feed/ 0 Ways To Confuse A Roommate http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate/ http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate/#comments Sun, 22 Aug 2004 20:59:11 +0000 admin http://jokesrevealed.com/wordpress/?p=5638 These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

]]> http://www.jokesrevealed.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate/feed/ 0