Lou Ann passed away and Billy Bob called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Billy Bob replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause, and finally Billy Bob said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Pine Street and you pick her up there?”

Dear Bobby Ray,

I’m writing this letter slow, because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for four days, and the second time for six days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Tom locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother………..

Uncle Charlie fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ray was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.

Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, “Oh, Crap!”

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were…

“Hold my beer and watch this!”

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “You are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “You hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

An Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on.

The Italian opens his lunch and looks in and says, “Pastrami again! If I get pastrami one more day, I’m gonna jump off this building.”

The Mexican opens his lunch and says, “Tamales again! If I get tamales one more day, I am gonna jump off this building.”

The Redneck opens his lunch and says, “Peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building.”

The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds pastrami, so he jumps off the building.

The Mexican opens his lunch and finds tamales, so he jumps off the building.

The Redneck opens his lunch and finds peanut butter and jelly, so he jumps off the building.

Later, at the funeral the Italian’s wife cries out, “I didn’t know he disliked pastrami so much!”

The Mexican’s wife cries out, “I wish I knew he was so sick of tamales!”

The redneck wife says, “Hey, don’t look at me, he always fixed his own lunch!”

Two Indians and a Redneck were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.”

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

“No,” said the Indian.

“It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”

Just then they saw another cave.

The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

Immediately, there was an answering “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Redneck wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!

It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!”

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!”

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read..”

NAKED REDNECK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!

There were 2 rednecks that lived on opposite sides of the river. One was named Clearance and the other Billy.

They would always threaten to beat the crap out of each other, but said they couldn’t because the river was keeping them from getting to each other.

They swore that if there was ever a bridge made that they would go across and fight.

Well a few years went by and they began to build a bridge. When it was done, Billy’s wife told him to go fight Clearance since there was a bridge now. So he decided to head that way.

In the middle of the bridge, there was a sign that said “Clearance 11ft 3in.

All of a sudden Billy’s wife heard a banging on the door. There was her husband, out of breath.

She asked “Well did you fight him?”

He said “No.”

“Well why not?” she asked.

“Because Clearance didn’t look eleven feet three inches from across the river.”

Two rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.” said the first redneck.

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazin!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife,” continued the professor.

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck is obviously catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right!” exclaimed the redneck. Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, History, and Logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re QUEER, ain’t ya?”

1. The monitor is up on blocks.

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

3. The six front keys have rotted out.

4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them.

5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

6. The password is BUBBA.

7. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

8. There’s a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

9. The keyboard is camouflaged.

10. The Mouse is referred to as a ‘Critter’

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

22. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

24. Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.