Q: How do you circumsize a redneck?

A: You kick his sister in the jaw.

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”

“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a moment and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -

“A long time. We’re gonna build a house…”

Even more clues you could be a Redneck…

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

Your dog goes “oink!”

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

You know how to milk a goat.

Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You have a refrigerator just for beer.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”

You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

You’re a redneck if…

-You have more fingers than you do teeth

-You cut your grass and find a car

-You consider Denny’s a Fancy Resturant

-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

-Your age is higher than your I.Q.

-Your favorite pickup line is “Does this look infected to you?”

-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies “Its a gummy bear.”

-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

-You say “Watch this” everytime before you goto the hospital.

-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.

He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.

He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.

He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.

He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”.

He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”.

He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

He paints the starship John Deere green.

He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.

He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.

His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”.

His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

He sets phaser to “Cajun”.

How do you circumsize a redneck?

You kick his sister in the chin!

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_)Billy-Bob

(_)Billy-Joe

(_)Billy-Ray

(_)Billy-Sue

(_)Billy-Mae

(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

(_)Booger

(_)Bubba

(_)Junior

(_)Sissy

(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)

(_)Farmer

(_)Mechanic

(_)Hair Dresser

(_)Unemployed

(_)Dirty Politician

(_)Preacher

Spouse’s Name:_____________

2nd Spouse’s Name:_______________

3rd Spouse’s Name:_______________

Lover’s Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)

(_)Sister

(_)Brother

(_)Aunt

(_)Uncle

(_)Cousin

(_)Mother

(_)Father

(_)Son

(_)Daughter

(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother’s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father’s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own:___

Number of vehicles that still crank:___

Number of vehicles in front yard:___

Number of vehicles in the back yard:___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____truck

____bedroom

____bathroom

____kitchen

____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_)The National Enquirer

(_)The Globe

(_)TV Guide

(_)Soap Opera Digest

(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:___

Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?

(_)Weekly

(_)Monthly

(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:

(_)Blond

(_)Black

(_)Red

(_)Brown

(_)White

(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:

(_)White

(_)Yellow

(_)Brownish-Yellow

(_)Brown

(_)Black

(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile

(_)2 miles

(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_)road?

You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $

1.

25. Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead!”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, “Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?”

The guy says, “Buddy, I’m six feet, 210 pounds, an’ ma name’s Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there’s Bubba. He’s 225 pounds of solid muscle and he’s a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike’s a trucker who weighs 295 and he’s a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?”

The fella says, “Naw, you’re right. . . I’d hate to have to explain it three times!”

You just might be a Redneck if:

You’ve ever tried to drown a fish. You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!” Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your family tree does not fork. Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.” You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. The fifth grade is referred to as ” your senior year.” Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.” You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do. You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.