Dear son,

I’m writing this letter slow cause i know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you? Your Aunt Maybelle said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home saying that if we don’t make the last payment on grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

Your Uncle Luke fell in to the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off bravely so he could drown. He burned for 3 days after we cremated him.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, Arlo was driving and Joe Bob and Elmo were in the back. Arlo got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they could not get the tail-gate down.

Not much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.

Love, Mom

1. You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage

3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill, or Mad Dog 20-20.

4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

5. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

6. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

7. You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.

8. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

9. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

10. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

11. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

12. Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the darkside… it’ll be a hoot.”

13. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

14. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

15. You think Han Solo would look better in flannel cause he looks a little sissy in that vest.

16. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

17. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to slide in through the window.

18. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

19. You ever fell in love with your sister.

20. You have ever referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as “them damn Yankees.”

21. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

22. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

23. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

24. In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow “just ain’t right.”

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “OK, where are you from, Jackass?”

Log On: Making a wood stove hot

Log Off: Too much wood on a fire

Monitor: Keep’n an eye on the wood stove

Download: Gitten the farwood off’n the truck

Megahertz: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood

Floppy disc: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

Ram: That thar thang what splits the farwood

Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time

Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside

Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season

Byte: Whut dem dang flys do

Chip: Munchies fer the TV

Micro Chip: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag

Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields

Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix’s wife

Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps

Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys

Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn

Mousepad: That’s hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

Mainframe: Holds up the barn roof

Port: Fancy flatlander wine

Enter: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”

Click: What you hear when you cock yer gun

Double Click: When you cock the double barrel

Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you have to go to the outhouse.

In the back woods of Kentucky, the rednecks wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another one to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”

ahz: the things you see with

aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?

arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.

bawl: what water does at 212 degrees.

bidness: commercial enterprise

bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce.

co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink.

clinics: a tissue

crine: weeping

dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami.

daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music.

dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word.

doc: a condition caused by an absence of light.

ever: each, as in “She’s bin crine ever day since JJ run off”.

far: combustion

git: to acquire

goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball.

hep: a cry for assistance, as in “HEP! There’s a far!

hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal.

lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs.

liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept.

nekkid: to be unclothed.

ole well: a source of petroleum.

own: opposite of awf (see lectricity).

paypuh: what you write on.

shevuhlay: a General Motors car.

spearmint: something scientists do.

stow: establishment where things are sold.

tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat.

uhmurkin: someone who lives in the united state of uhmurka.

zackly: precisely

You have just received the Reneck Virus. Because we don’t use electricity, we don’t have any computers or programming experience, so this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files from your hard drive and then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation and….. God bless you.

The Computer Engineering Department.

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.

They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. He said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.”

One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other Redneck. “Yep! I think this is about 150 yards further along than where we crashed last year!”

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon!”

It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Bubba.

As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.

Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40, with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20.

Bubba, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Georgia, son.”

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet.

Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Bubba rattled off the alphabet right to W.

That evening, Bubba once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “Son, that’s because you are from Georgia.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.

Bubba noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him.

That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Georgia?”

“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”