A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions.



The blonde said, “Go ahead, ask the questions.”



“O.K.” said the angel. “For the first question, tell me which two days of the week begin with the letter T.”



“That’s easy”, said the candidate for admission. “Today and Tomorrow.”



“Hmmmm”, said the angel. “Well I can’t argue with that. Now for the second question, tell me how many seconds there are in a year.”



“There are twelve”, said the candidate.



“Twelve?!” exclaimed the angel. “How do you figure that?”



“Well, there’s January second, February second, March second, etc.”



“O.K.” mused the angel. “For the third question, tell me God’s first name.”



“God’s first name is Andy.”



“Oh? What makes you say that?” asked the angel.



And the candidate replied, “It’s right there in the song.” (the candidate begins singing an excerpt from the hymn, “In The Garden”)

“And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own…”

I heard this joke from my husband.

Q: Honey, would you still love me if I were burned beyond all recognition?

A: I’d love you MORE!

In article <27164@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU> amorando@euler.berkeley.edu (David Ashley) writes:

I would like to ask a question that has bothered me ever since I heard about
nude places like beaches, parks and whatnot.

What if you are a guy and you get a hard on. Do you try and cover it up (don’t
ask ME how) or does everyone just take it for granted and politely ignore it?
Or do nudists say that the problem never comes up due to self-control?

This is a common question among newcomers to nudist activities. In
practice, it is nothing to worry about. What usually happens is
something like this:

You get an erection, somebody notices, points at
you and yells, “Hey, look at the hard-on on that guy” or, “Look at that
guy trying to hide his hard-on.” Then everyone gathers around, pointing
and laughing. If you try to run away, they all follow you. People
start taking pictures. Eventually, some mesomorph/homophobe thinks he
catches you looking at his girlfriend/self and beats the hell out of
you. After this happens two or three times, you get conditioned to
always go limp when you see a naked body.

No problem.

Alan Filipski, Phoenix, Arizona

Did you ever wonder why they put braille at a drive-up ATM?

JERUSALEM – In a surprise move today, Judaism filed suit against the Catholic Church, claiming Catholicism copied the “look and feel” of the religion.

Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of a monotheistic religion for over 3500 years as well as the copyright on Yahweh ™ The Old Testament ™ and the use of “CH” for the “H” sound, is suing for 2000 years of back royalties.

They are also asking that the court disallow the use of the term “Judeo-Christian” from all textbooks. The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman from the Vatican stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the concepts shared by the two religions has long expired, and that the suit violates the separation of church and state.

More news as the case develops.

I once had a highly qualified applicant for the position of Motor Equipment Operator with the State Highway Administration. When I reviewed his application though, I wasn’t sure about hiring him.

One of the questions was: “Have you ever been arrested?”

He had entered “No” in the blank space provided.

Printed on the same line within the form was “Why?”

His answer – “Ain’t never been caught.”

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if …”

The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”

The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

At the Polish Agricultural university (P.A.U), the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked: “Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?”

The Professor answered, “Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn’t fuck you afterwards, you’ll look depressed too!”

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

[Thanks to Steve Kilbride]

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

“I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the Lawyer.

“I turned to God for the answer” replied the Rabbi.

“And what did he say?” pressed the Lawyer.

“God said, ‘Funny you should come to me…’”