What’s rude, black, thick and floats on water?

Crude oil

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he snarled at the blonde, “what do you want?”

“I just want to know why you can’t ring the bell for yourself?”

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter,

“Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.”

St. Peter, “I can’t answer that question…but see God walking around over there? Ask him.”

Zebra to God, “God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?”

God looks at the zebra sagely and states, “You are what you are.”

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

What did He say,” asks S.P.

“Oh,,” replies the zebra. “He just said, ‘You are what you are,’ and I still don’t know whether I’m black with white stripes or white with black stripes.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” says S.P. “You are white with black stripes.”

“How do you know?” asks the zebra. “Well,” says S.P., “if you were black with white stripes he would have said ‘you is what you is.’”

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

“Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’” The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question:

Have you ever breast fed your baby? a) Yes…b) No…c) Don’t know

“Don’t know”? Huh?

Why don’t women need to wear watches?

Theres a clock on the oven!

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

Assume you drive your car at light speed. What happens when you turn on the head lights?

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.”Well,” the man says, “I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”"What kind of question?” the neighbor asks.”My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”"That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I will”‘.”Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.”‘

This is a completely hypothetical situation that must be answered according to your morals:

Pretend that you’re a photographer who has gone out to the Midwest to take pictures of an ongoing flood. Now as you’re wandering around looking for a good shot, you see George W. Bush in the middle of a rushing river, holding onto a thin branch so he won’t get swept away. The branch is about halfway broken, and you know it will break altogether in a matter of minutes. Now you can do one of two things: You can either rescue him or take an award-winning picture that will secure your place in photographic history.

Now for the question:

Which lens would you use?