Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.” Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying” Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.” Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.” It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend. The woman replied, ” A billionaire”. God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?” “Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the m

This is the one-liner file annual, a collection of the various short jokes,
puns and one liners that didn’t excite me enough to be given a posting of
their own, but are still worth reading.

Paraphrased from “Global Village News” from Nickelodeon:

The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.

Heard on WEEI Boston today:

“[A recent survey finds that] 15-to-19-year-olds now have fewer sexual
partners than they did ten years ago.”

And you thought they were playing doctors and nurses.

That money talks, I’ll not deny.
I heard it once. It said, “good-bye.”

How did the computer scientist die in the shower?

He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

College is a fountain of knowledge… and the students are there to drink.

Think of how much fun you could have with the doctor’s wife and a
bucket of apples.

Did you hear about the merger between Honeywell and Fairchild? The new
company will be known as: Fairwell Honeychild

[This is original.]

There is a CD out entitled “The Worst of Jefferson Airplane.” If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?

Q: How many ancient Greek mathematicians does it take to replace
a light-bulb?

A: Infinitely many! The first does half the job, the next a quarter,
the third does one-eighth etc.

Q: What’s a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Dumb Q: When the heck is Spring break?

Dumb A: Spring break is the time of the year when half the nation’s coeds are
in two pieces.

From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page…

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.

Jeff Marder told this one on Fox’s “Comic Strip Live,” 3/10/90:

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

“What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
the other hand?”

“One HELL of a moth!!”

“Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not
true. I have the heart of a young boy–in a jar on my desk.”

– Stephen King, 3/8/90

The tri stages of sex in marriage–

Tri-weekly
Try-weekly
Try-weakly

Heard on Leno’s monologue a few weeks ago:

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Several people on the BITNET RELAY system one night decided that Digital
needs to add a new command to VAX/VMS:

$ SET TIME/DAY=FRIDAY/DATE=BLONDE

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
Anemic.

“If people ate what they killed,
there would be NO MORE WARS!”

Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!

Reichel’s Law:

A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an
outside force. (Carol Reichel)

IBM: It may be slow, but it’s hard to use.

The price of political assassinations in Eastern Europe
has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks.

It seems the KGB is going out of business, so they’re
having a liquidation sale.

Heard during Will Durst’s routine at Catch a Rising Star…

What’s the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?

Depth perception.

Q: What does the new movie rating “NC-17″ stand for?

A: Not in Cincinnati or within 17 miles thereof.

I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. “Ever since
they threatened to fire me,” Frank replied.

The doctoral candidate’s creed …

Death before dissertation.

“The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like
someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it… I
can see why!”–Harry Skelton (harry@usrgrp)

Q. What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?

A. A Fahrvergnoogie.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
of the way.

A skeleton in the saloon:
“One beer and one towel, please !”

Definition of sloppy

sloppy: /’slopi/,

a) adj, -pier, -piest, 1. muddy, slushy or very wet. 2. week,
silly or maudlin. 3. loose, careless or slovenly.

b) noun, colloq, -s, student living of parents, pre-yuppie stage.
—-
It’s much more descriptive than YUPPY, DINKY et.al. [part of the definition
is lifted from `The Macquarie']

Definition:-

Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.

From Carla Felicia, a comic I saw this weekend at Zanies here
in Chicago (with some adaptation).

“For me, penises are a hobby, like fishing:

The small ones you throw back.
The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and
The big ones you mount.”

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied “I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade.”

One thing’s sure about Clinton–he sure doesn’t neglect domestic affairs.

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.

Bill Clinton’s 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!

A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clinton’s, two hundred bucks isn’t enough to make it look right.

After seeing footage from the new movie “The Lion King,” I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I’d like to call it “The Lion President.”