Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,

A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was high as a kite,

And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,

“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay awhile”

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,

And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And several more things I shouldn’t even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So I’ll leave ‘em here, and then I’ll just split.”

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,

Saying, “Take me home, Rudolf. This night’s been a bitch!”

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

“The best thing about pussy is you can’t wear it out!!”

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House,

Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.

The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care,

for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

As Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed,

dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy’s head.

And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed,

had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,

all drunken and rowdy: ’twas Newt and the boys!

Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,

“It’s a raid boys!” he cried, “Quick, go hide my stash!”

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow,

gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.

When what to Bill’s frantic eyes should appear, but a slew

of Republicans and a keg of ice beer.

With a big House leader, all lively and fat:

He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT!

As viscous as vipers, the Republicans came,

and Bill recognized them and called them by name.

“Hey Helms, Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!

Hey Dole and Pataki, it’s time for a bash!”

A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,

“Let’s listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!”

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer

“Screw health care and Haiti, it’s time to drink beer!”

When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot,

as Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand,

and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.

And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,

and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,

the rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom.

“We’ll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!”

“More welfare, more taxes, we’ll still get the votes!”

And they drank, hugged and danced, they crossed party lines.

They cheered, “It doesn’t matter, we’re all bastard swines!”

So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap,

and they took turns sitting on the President’s lap.

And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,

and awoke in the morning without their pants on.

And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear.

While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

Then the party-ers discovered a sight so touching and cute,

President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.

Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,

“A merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!”

What’s long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?

A last name.

So … the other day, my friends and I went to this “Ladies Night

Club.”

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.

The “dancer” came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put

it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls

the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt

cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend

pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the

$50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the

attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute … and then the financial

analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the

crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

A Night Before Christmas Parody (Technical Version)

‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.

My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – “Now Dasher, now Dancer…” et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage.

He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.

His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.

The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.

His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.

His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.

By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.

Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:

“Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.”

HO! HO! HO!

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod –one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.”

The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.” The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, “You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…”

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, “I’ll have you know, I converted to your religion.”

The desk clerk said, “Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”

“Very good,” replied the hotel clerk. “Tell me more.”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born in a manger.”

“That’s right,” said the hotel clerk. “And why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, “Because a jerk like you in the hotel

wouldn’t give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”

What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on his wedding night?

“Now I know why you called your company Microsoft”

Fred: So how was your wedding night?
Ted: Very good until the morning after. i forgot where i was and i said to my wife “you were wonderful. here’s $100″
Fred: That’s not bad. She might not guess that you thought she was a hooker.
Ted: but she gave me back $50 and told me to keep the change.

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of
real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including,
but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney
in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus
(hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual
beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and
otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the
joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”),
and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad
in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property
adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief,
a miniature sleigh (hereinafter “the Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)
reindeer and specifically identified

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can’t forget last night.You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body…you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events.My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you…..you !@#$ mosquito!