1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this pin with you. I’ll be able to tell when she’s sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin.”

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “…And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

“Jesus!” cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

“Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones,” said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

“God!” cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. “Right again, Mrs. Jones,” said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn’t notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, “…And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones shrieked, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn’t published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.

6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

Round of Drinks: $23.00

Table Dance: $30.00

Another Round of Drinks: $23.00

Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00

A Round of Shots: $34.00

Another Round of Drinks: $23.00

Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00

Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00

Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

………..PRICELESS!

office one Monday morning. “I want you to begin divorce

proceedings,” she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, “Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?”

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, “We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.”

It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her “you have the nicest breasts”. She says “thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you”.

He replies “I would pay you $10 just to see one of them”. She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says “Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw….I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time”.

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says “your best friend just stopped by”. He answers “Great did he leave the $20 he owed me”

1. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”

2. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”

3. “Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”

4. “We don’t keep firearms in this house.”

5. “You can’t feed that to the dog.”

6. “I thought Graceland was tacky.”

7. “No kids in the back of the pick-up…it’s not safe.”

8. “Professional wresslin’s fake.”

9. “Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”

10. “We’re vegetarians.”

11. “Do you think my hair is too big?”

12. “I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.”

13. “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”

14. “I don’t understand the appeal of NASCAR.”

15. “Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”

16. “Deer heads detract from the decor.”

17. “Spitting is such a nasty habit.”

18. “I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”

19. “Trim the fat off that steak.”

20. “Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.”

21. “The tires on that truck are too big.”

22. “I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.”

23. “I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.”

24. “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”

25. “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”

26. “My fiance is registered at Tiffany’s.”

27. “I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.”

28. “She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.”

29. “Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?”

30. “Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.”

31. “I don’t have a favorite college football team.”

32. “Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.”

33. “I believe you cooked those green beans too long.”

34. “Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.”

35. “Elvis who?”

36. “Checkmate”

Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak. Never trust a fart. Never take a hard-on for granted.

Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

10: Awww…that’s cute

9. Well, at least you’re good at other things

8. Do you think it’ll fit my old Barbie® clothes?

7. My li’l brother has one like that.

6. Are you cold?

5. ::giggles::

4. Maybe we should just be friends

3. Can you make it dance?

2. Umm…maybe you should get dressed

1. Oh…look…its hiding!