Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.

He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.

He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.

He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.

He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”.

He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”.

He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

He paints the starship John Deere green.

He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.

He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.

His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”.

His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

He sets phaser to “Cajun”.

You Just Might Be A Redneck If…

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.” You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!”

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’ You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.

You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.” Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You Might Be A College Student:

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night

If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t

If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

If you wake up 10 minutes before class

If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them

If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class

If your social life consists of a date with the library

If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

If you carry less than a dollar on your person

If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class

If you celebrate when you find a quarter

If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over

If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

If you get more sleep in class than in your room

If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo

If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

If you get more e-mail than mail……

THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

===========================================

* You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”

1. You can name everyone you graduated with

2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home

3. You know what 4-H is

4. You ever went to “headlight parties”

5. You used to drag “main”

6. You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour

7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won’t

8. You ever went cow-tipping

9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the ‘buyer’ for all of the best parties

10. You have parties at the same guy’s house

12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events

13. The town social events are their children’s

14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they’d tell your parents, anyhow)

15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them

16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut

17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade

18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming

19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself

20. No place sells gas on Sunday

21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)

22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks

23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town

24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date

25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog

26. You had senior skip day

27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation

28. The only ‘clique’ that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street

30. You don’t give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs’ Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons’, and it’s four houses left of the track field)

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF… The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this one). At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room. In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure. The salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions. You are always late to meetings. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it. You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting. You can’t write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You forgot to get a haircut … for 6 months. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects. You have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. You have never backed up your hard drive. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. You know what http:// stands for. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. You see a good design and still have to change it. You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa). You window shop at Radio Shack. You’re in the back seat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite. Your checkbook always balances. Your laptop computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium. You’ve already calculated how much you make per second. You’ve ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month.You paint flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”You refer to Klingons as “Critters”You refer to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”You have the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.You install a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.You say “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies.”You hang fuzzy dice over the view screen.You rewire your communicator into your belt buckle.You keep a six-pack under your command chair and a gun rack above it.You say “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”
You have a hand-tooled holster for your phaser.You insist on calling your executive officer “Bubba.”You set the fore view screen to reruns of “Bassmaster.”You program the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.You paint the starship John Deere green.You refer to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special.”You refer to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp.”Your moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.Your idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overallsYou set phaser to “Cajun.”

You might be addicted to irc if…. …you want to meet a girl and your first impulse is to turn on your computer….you once devoted a weekend to “working on your popups.” …you sometimes go to #egypt “just to get away from it all.” …you’re a heterosexual male, but one time you used a feminine nick “just to mess with the horny net geeks.” …you’ve ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face. …you make it a point to change your ping reply and quit message daily. …you have over 2 megs of .wav files on your mirc directory. …you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s. …you join #hispanola “just to work on my Spanish.” …you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow. …you’ve ever typed “drinking on irc is better than drinking alone.” …you go into labor and you stop to type a “special” away message. …you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it….you have met over 100 ircers …you dont know your boyfriend/girlfriend’s first name…you tell your ‘real’ friends you have plans already on Saturday night, when you don’t…the Jehova’s Witnesses knock on the door, and all you can think of doing is flood them with PINGs. …you raise your hand in class, and say “BRB” …you have more than 3 private message windows going simultaneously …when someone says “what did you say?” you reply “scroll up!” …you know more about your irc “friends” daily routines than you do your own spouses!

1. If you have no life – and you can prove it mathematically.2. If you enjoy pain.3. If you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.4. If you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”5. If you’ve actually used every single function on your graphing
calculator.6. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.7. If you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”8. If you always do homework on Friday nights.9. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.10. If you think in “math.”11. If you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.12. If you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.13. If you have a pet named after a scientist.14. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.15. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger’s Cat experiment.16. If you can translate English into Binary. 17. If you can’t remember what’s behind the door marked “exit” in the computing center.18. If you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.19. If you are completely addicted to caffeine.20. If you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.21. If you consider ANY non-science course “easy.” 22. If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.23. If the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.24. If you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.25. If you understood more than five of these indicators.26. If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free. You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe “shallow gene pool” should have it’s own box on the report card. When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. When you mention “vegetables” and you’re not talking about a food group. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce. You can’t have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. Meeting a child’s parents INSTANTLY answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”