After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! … the wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart’s desire.

He paused for a moment, then said, “Well, honestly, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! … he was 90 years old.

Marriage was invented because it’s only so much fun to cheat at cards.

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.

“Really?” said the doctor. “You’re healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?”

The old man says, “OK, doc. I’ll think about it.”

Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.

“Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant.”

The doctor nods knowlingly and says, “So you took my advice and took in a boarder?”

The old man winked and said, “Yep. And she’s pregnant too!”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.’

A woman told her friend, “For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world. Then we met”.

Have you heard of the new “Divorce” Barbie? She comes with all Ken’s stuff.

A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!”

The husband says, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she says. “Just get the hell out!”

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”

“It’s OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life”.

“Well, then”, she replies “I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?”

“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable. You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself”.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain – “And how’s your sex life….”

“Infrequently”, he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking… “And is that one word or two?