How Many Church Members Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None ‘o yo’ freakin’ bitness!

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Both of them.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say “Fabulous.’

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: “Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?”

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

A good husband is the light of his wife’s life. But some wives are getting fed up with seeing their lights go out every night!

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but the light bulb must want to change!

The crofter’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

“Och!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern by…I think there’s yet another wee bairn to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

“Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad…It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light’s attracting them?”

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, “And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?”

Mr. Johnson replies, “I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.”

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers.

The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Johnson, I’m a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…”

Mrs. Johnson yells, “Steven! Daddy’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four – one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

a: What’s a light bulb?