A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”

“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How in the world did you get that number?” the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter: “We added up the billable hours you charged your clients.”

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.

Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Billy.

“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed.

“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!”

A stingy old lawyer was on his deathbed. He instructed his wife to fill two large pillowcases with money thinking he could pick them up on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after his funeral the widow found two pillowcases full of cash in the attic.

“The old fool,” she thought, “I knew I should have left them in the basement!”

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?

They both have a one in a million chance of being human.

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.

The doctor then asked, “What type of brain do you want?”

“What type?” the woman asked.

“Yes,” replied the doctor. “There is a substantial difference in price.

For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

“Can you give me a one-pound lawyer’s brain? Ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of being a trial attorney.”

“That’s $250,000,” the doctor replied.

“Why so much?” the woman asked.

“That’s over four times what a surgeon’s brain costs.”

“Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?” the doctor replied.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said,

‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said,

“She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.

They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:

“Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.”

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him.

Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”

“Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?”

“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.