• The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”
• He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
• During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
• Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
• He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
• Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
• He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
• He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said…”

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Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer puzzedly asked, “How do you start a flood?”

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”

“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident?” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her pennyless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.”

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?”

He said, “Why yes I am!”

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two children!”

“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “Come with us.”

“But sir, I have a wife and six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.”

It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. “I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?”

“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Robert replies.

“Your hands? What do you mean?”

“Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”

A. Their personalities.

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A. Not enough sand.

Q. What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer’s creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q. What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

A. Skeet.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

A. Chelsea Clinton

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?)

A. …… I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A. You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, “Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can’t run down this lawyer,” and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn’t see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”

And the priest replied, “Don’t worry son. I got him with my door.”

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