(Your jokes are too funny. You will be assimilated. Your piece de resistance is useless.)

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Two Borg walk into a bar. One Borg says to the other, “Did you hear about that city that was burned down in Argentina?”

The other Borg replies, “Yeah, just goes to show you; Resistencia is fusil.”

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A Borg was walking down a country road when he saw a donkey in a field nearby. Climbing over the fence, he pulled out his hand weapon, prayed loudly, and disintegrated the creature.

The farmer who lived there ran out the door. “What in the world was that?”

“Why,” said the Borg, “What else? Ass immolation.”

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Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: “Blonde Borgs have the same fun.”

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Happy Borg: &>

Sad Borg: &<

Locutus: ;|

Drunk or Stoned Borg: #)

Borg on Acid: @)

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• McBorg – Over Half a billion assimilated.
• Borger King – you will have it _our_ way. Special orders are irrevelant.
• FROM BARNEY THE BORG: We are we, we are we. Resistance is futility.

Forwarded from another list. You may have to be a fan of the show to understand them. No offense to any Borg out there.

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Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Illumination is irrelevant.

Q. What does a depressed Borg say?

A. Everything’s NOT futile.

Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?

A: Standing there was futile.

Our local cable company recently took over one of the channels and began 24-hour adverstising on it.

One of the programmes is called “The Dating Network (TM)” and consists of people placing personal ads on for this hour that it’s on every night.

Cable advertises the show on other stations, and the ad goes something like this: “Successful singles don’t do to singles bars! They don’t go on special singles cruises! No, successful singles use The Dating Network (TM)…”

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the object of going to bars and cruises and The Dating Network (TM) to be *un*successful at being single…?

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Turning back to football (some call it soccer!), our local ABC affiliate, the one that blocks out NYPD Blue with Baywatch ’cause NYPD Blue really isn’t quality programming, refuses to cover the World Cup.

They announced that they didn’t feel that the audience would be strong enough to show the matches, so they’re instead showing movies during the game. Movies like “Blind Date” (it had Bruce Willis – if you didn’t see it, don’t feel left out, ’cause no one else did either) and “Mannequin 2: On the Move”.

Boy, I’d much rather watch these winners than see a sporting event that takes place once evry four years and for the first time is being played in this *great* country of ours…

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-Ben Scripps
Central Michigan University

A Belgian walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.

‘My first wish’ the Belgian said, ‘is a bottle of beer that will never be empty.’

And flash, there was the bottle. The Belgian opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. The Belgian was very happy.

‘What is your second wish ?’, the dwarf asked.

The Belgian replied: ‘I want another bottle’

A Belgian met a Dutch friend, who was driving a Rolls Royce and spending money like water.

‘How did you het so rich?’ the Belgian asked.

‘I went to Canada, to shoot bears. The fur coats are very expensive.’

‘How do you go about shooting bears?’

‘It’s very simple. You should go there in winter. When you enter a cave you will find a bear. Since it is in hybernation, it is very easy to shoot it.’

Three months later they meet again. This time the Belgian is entirely wrapped in bandages.

‘What has happened to you?’

‘Well’ the Belgian replies: ‘I went to Canada, I entered a cave with my gun, and then suddenly… the train came’.

An American paratrooper jumped out of a plain. But his parachute did not open. Falling to the ground he saw a black dot moving towards him. He didn’t know what it was, until he recognized a man.

‘Hello’ he shouted ‘I’m Jim, US Army. Do you know anything about parachutes ?’

‘Nice to meet you’ the man replied ‘I’m Sjefke (Belgian). But sorry, I don’t know anything about parachutes. Do you know anything about gas ovens?’

Maria and Sjefke, both 14 years old (and Belgian), were playing together in the attick.

Mother shouts up: ‘Maria and Sjefke, what are you doing in the attick?’

‘We’re making love, mother’

‘Then it is ok, but don’t let me catch you smoking!’

A snake and a rabbit met each other in the dark. ‘What do you look like ?’, the snake asked.

‘I’ve got long ears, two big hind legs and a fluffy tail’

‘Aha’ the snake said ‘then you must be a rabbit’

‘Yes, I am. What do you look like?’ the rabbit asked.

‘I’m bald all over my body and I’ve got no ears’ the snake said.

‘Aha’ the rabbit said, ‘then you must be Niki Lauda’

Hopefully, all the humor-impaired and those who can’t understand warnings have lost interest, so here we go with more Clinton jokes (offensive to Bill Clinton and his fans, Arkansas, etc.):

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Did you hear they changed Highway 69 in Arkansas to the Bill Clinton Highway?

That’s because it’s real slick, real crooked, doesn’t go anywhere, and it’s got a yellow stripe down the middle.

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Clinton went to Arkansas for a visit. When he returned, he was asked if he got any strange stuff while there.

“Sure did,” he replied. Did you pay for it? he was asked.

“Why no,” he answered,”Them hookers don’t charge kin.”

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Clinton and Dan Quayle had a spelling contest.

Clinton lost because he thought “harass” was two words.

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Q: Why is Hillary against sending U.S. troops to Bosnia or Haiti?

A: She’s afraid Bill will run off to college again!

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Q: Why did Clinton go to Russia?

A: He was homesick.

Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliff’s edge.

As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, “Oh, my God, Clem, we’re gonna die!”

“Aw, don’t worry about a thing,” Clem reassured him, looking below. “There’s a stop sign at the bottom.”

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The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, “Fire! Fire! Fire!” at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.

“Where’s the fire?” called the chief.

“Ain’t no fuckin’ fire,” replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, “but who the hell would’ve rescued me if I’d yelled, ‘Shit! Shit! Shit!’?”