On New York’s Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it’s a great school and completely secular.After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, “By the way Dad, do you know what ‘Trinity’ means? It means the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.”The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, “Danny, I’m going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God. AND we don’t believe in Him!”

Two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.The Jewish men are dumbfounded. “My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both think.After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”The owner looks around and leans in so no-one else will hear and says, “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”

A: None. (“That’s all right…I’ll just sit here in the dark…”)

You think a Hora is a high priced call girl.
You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
Instead of a noisemaker, you’ve fired a shotgun at the sound of
Haman’s name.
You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
You think “KKK” is a symbol for really kosher.
You think marrying your first cousin is required according to
Jewish law.
You don’t ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
When someone shouts L’chaim you respond L’howdy.
You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special
occasion.

What happened to the Jewish man with an erection, who walked into a wall?

He broke his nose!

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

* If you wish to know The Way, don’t ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

how many jewish mothers does it take to run a household?

3.one to go”oi”


one to go”oi vey”


one to go”oi gevalt”

A young Jewish boy asks his father:

“Dad, can you give me 10 pounds…?”

The father says:

“8 pounds ?….why do you need 6 pounds..?”

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a


powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration


throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year


passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials:

….a Japanese Samurai

….a Chinese Samurai

….and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why


he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee.


Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on


the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: “This is impressive!”

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai;


for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly.


Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped


dead on the ground …..in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: “That is really VERY impressive!”

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to


step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small


gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! ….But


the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: “I


see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?”

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: “Circumcision is not meant


to kill.”

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”


The mother agrees.


The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”


She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”


“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”


“I don’t like her.”