Definition of a Jewish dilemma:

Someone yelling, “Free ham!”

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a fairly large wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Relax, you schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, “Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“What do you mean,” says the man, “this is a Jewish dog. Look.”

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

“Rover,” says the man, “daven!”.

“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

“That’s fantastic,” says the shammas, “absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!”

“You speak to him,” says the man, “He wants to be a doctor.”

What do you call a gay Jewish person? A He-Blew!

One guy says to another guy, “Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day…”

Right away, his friend interrupts him, “Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!”

So he starts again, “Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew’s Bar Mitzvah…”

Q. How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?

A. She drops her nail file.

Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were
having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, “I have four
sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team.”The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
“That’s nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I’ll have a
football team.”To which the Mormon man replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I
have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”

…are talking about their daughters.
The Italian guy says “I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and I found a pack of cigarettes. And I didn’t even know she smoked.”
The Jewish guy says, “That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and I found a full bottle of Vodka. And I didn’t even know she drank.”
The Polish guy says, “That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and I found a box of condoms. And I didn’t even know she had a penis.”

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

Q – Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A – Under the vacuum cleaner.