Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, “Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?”

She looked up and said, “Why does everybody ask me that?!”

A funny story I know comes from someone’s father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules she’d been given weren’t working.

“Oh,” he said, “You’ve been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first.” He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

Server’s poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We’d tell you where, but then we’d
have to delete you.

wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can’t bridge

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped,

The ten thousan

Second guy: Why doesn’t he just buy one? It’s faster.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I am not an American” Kristen replies.

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. “Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.” The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?” A pause, and a smile, “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”

One Point Dares:Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…”
Don’t use any punctuation.
Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen. Three Point Dares:Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Every time you get an email, shout “email”.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any p*rnography web sites. Five Point Dares:At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, “she can abort it for

She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and had them come up with the rest of it.1. As you shall make your bed so shall you … mess it up.
2. Better be safe than … punch a 5th grader.
3. Strike while the … bug is close.
4. It’s always darkest before … daylight savings time.
5. You can lead a horse to water but … how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.
7. A miss is as good as a … Mr.
8. You can’t teach an old dog new … math.
9. If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll … stink in the morning.
10. The pen is mightier than the … pigs.
11. An idle mind is … the best way to relax.
l2. Where there’s smoke, there’s … pollution.
13. Happy the bride who … gets all the presents.
14. A penny saved is … not much.
15. Two’s company, three’s … the musketeers.
16. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose.
17. Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.
18. When the blind leadeth the blind … get out of the way.

…so the guy says, “You wanna go in back?” The girl replies, “NO!” So they make out some more and her blouse is unbuttoned, so the guy asks again, “You wanna go in back?” And again the girl says, “NO!” So they make out some more and by this time the guy has his hand down her pants, so again he asks, “You wanna go in back?” And again the girl says, “NO!” So the guy asks, “Why not?” And the girl says, “I wanna stay up here with you.”