Man: ‘today was the first time in my life I had oral sex’

Bartender: ‘That’s indeed a reason to celebrate’

Man: ‘No, I’m trying to wash away the taste’

and saying, “Quite right, old bean!”

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the

overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp

points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t

wear it out!”

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would

go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle

of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an

episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says

no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your

intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE!

Oh, no, sorry.”

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you

actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”.

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang

cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been

drinking.

24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.

28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee

henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.

29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard

erasers.

30. Watch the professor through binoculars.

The list continues below

31. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.

32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”

33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your

name, even if it’s Smith. Claim that the “i” is silent.

34. Sit in the front row, reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.

35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,

volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s

reply and proceed to do so anyway.

36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.

37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and

scream “IMPOSTER!”

38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Sign-up Sheet

#” at the top, and start passing it around the room.

40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before

taking your seat.

41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”

42. Disassemble your pen. “Accidentally” propel pieces across the room while

playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.

Repeat.

43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.

47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask “Did he have any children?”

48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of

ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you can’t see Macedonia.

code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers

McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question,

walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”

33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.

34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular

intervals.

35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the

teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten

minutes.

39. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the

funk”.

40. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and

deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

41. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

42. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be

required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark

through Armenia, for next class.

43. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.

Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

44. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

46. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

47. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep

their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I

picked up in the field”.

48. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,

“Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”

49. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for

attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690″ and mention that yesterday

was the last day to drop.

50. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11

number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in

place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.

51. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.

2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream

“MY PACEMAKER!”

3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student

and scream “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a

question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t

hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.

6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them

your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.

Smartypants?”

7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses

with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering

“tsk, tsk”.

8. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.

9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether

your butt looks fat.

10. Play “Kumbaya” on the banjo.

11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.

Giggle throughout it.

12. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention

hotline number on the board.

13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

14. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s

“Sex Machine.”

15. Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps

would know” and move on before anyone can answer.

16. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by

the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

17. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead

of you as you pace back and forth.

18. Address students as “worm”.

19. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a

single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any

moment.

20. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping,

and begin singing spirituals.

21. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a

waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

22. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s

name, rank, and serial number.

23. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and

announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.

24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks

a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

25. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space

for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your

sentence and proceed normally.

26. Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a

question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your

hands.

27. Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.

28. Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.

29. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite

numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.

30. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class

projects.

We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,

I new just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I don’t know how but i tried my best,

As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,

And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it’s all over now.

My first time ever…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

…Milking a cow!

(And what were YOU thinking about?)

Jesus stops them and says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!”

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.

At which point Jesus looks over and says…

“Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!”

Mr. Clinton pauses then grabs Hilary by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obcenities.

The President shakes hands with those near him, getting “high fives”. The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers, ” Mr. President, I said, – “They want you to throw out the “FIRST PITCH!”

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, “I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad.”

So she picks on Jenny first who says, “I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.”

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, “I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.”

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself “Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny.” She picks him and he says, “I think your feet get to heaven first.”

The relieved teacher asks him, “Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?”

Johnny says, “Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad’s room last night and my mom’s feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting ‘Oh God I’m cummin’!'”

He said, “Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!”

The Preacher replied, “Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please…I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use the Lord’s name in vain!”

The man said, “I’m sorry Reverend, but I can’t help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!”

The Reverend said, “Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church”!

The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $

500.00 in the collection plate!”

And the Reverend said, “NO SHIT?!”

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no.

He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him– he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

Keep reading on below…

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

You smile and thank your dentist!

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinkin’?

PERVERT I know what you were thinking!