A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you, you’re off your face!”

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled
down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem,
Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am
pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.
What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”
He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that
drivers’ license.”
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
“Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smarty-pants when he’s drunk
and stoned.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get
far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled
voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”"Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else…

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had
all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both sit at the bar and proceed to drink the night away. After a while, the plastered giraffe passes out and falls to the floor. The guy continues to drink and after a while, gets up and heads for the door. The Barternter stops him, points to the giraffe, and says, “Hey, you going to leave that lyin’ there?” And the man looks at the giraffe, then the bartender, the giraffe, then the bartender, back to the giraffe, then to the bartender and says, “That’s not a lion, that’s a giraffe.”

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob justwent straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was
and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be
better.Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And
now, you come home drunk!”

Why do drunk men get in a lot of accidents???

They let their wife drive

Things That Are Hard To Say When You’re Drunk

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

 

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Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

 

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Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…

a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?

f) I’m not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night
and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology.
When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting
for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an
armchair and gives him a backrub.
It’s getting late, big boy, she says after a few
minutes. Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.
We might as well, slurs the husband. I’m going
to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.