Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. “I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming,” he recalled.

“That’s terrible,” said Williams. “How’d you ever get any sleep?”

“At five o’clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out,” replied Irvin.

It was New Year’s Eve … by then, actually, it was very early on New Year’s morning. The drunk staggered out of the men’s room and wobbled his way to the bar.

“I, uh, lll…, I’ll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.” The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk’s sharp looking suit. “Buddy, it looks to me like you’ve had quite enough. Why don’t you call it a night and go home.”

The drunk protests… “N-n-no! I ca-can’t. My, my wife, you, you see… She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it… She, she’s gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble…”

“Tell you what,” the bartender says. “You got any 20 dollar bills on you?”

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies… “Y-yeah, I got a few….” The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. “There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!”

“B-br-brilliant!”, the drunk exclaims excitedly. “Thish jush might w-work!”

The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. “Look at you! You’re a disgrace! Look at what you’ve done to your new suit!”

“N-no hunnybunsh,” the drunk stammers… “Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened…”

The wife looks in the drunk’s pocket and pulls out the money.

“Wait a minute…” the wife says, “there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.”

The drunk reels, regroups, and explains… “Wha-wha… Well thass because after he puked on me, he … he took a crap in my pants!”

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

Hubby: It’s not my fault…I ran out of money!

Outraged wife: Couldn’t you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?

Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn’t been assigned this crap detail he’d be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was “on point” now.

The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.

Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man’s car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it’s job.

“Outta the car, old man!” demanded Redding. “But officer, I haven’t had anything to drink!” complained the old boy. “Sure, you haven’t, oldtimer, sure you haven’t”, replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.

At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn’t move. “What the…YOU haven’t been drinking, old timer!”

But that’s what I tried to tell you back there, officer!” “Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?” asked Redding. “Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the ‘designated drunk’ when the place closed down!”

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……..

“Not very freakin’ strong tonight, are you Batman!”

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, “You have to take a Breathalyzer test.” The guy says, “I can’t. I have asthma, and it’ll start me on a coughing fit.”

The cop says, “Then I have to give you a blood test.” The guy says, “You can’t. I’m a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I’ll bleed all over the place.”

The cops says, “Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line.” The guy says, “I can’t.” The cop says, “Why not?”

The guy says, “Because I’m drunk you idiot… didn’t you see the way I was driving!”

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you, you’re off your face!”

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled
down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem,
Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am
pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.
What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”
He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that
drivers’ license.”
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
“Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smarty-pants when he’s drunk
and stoned.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get
far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled
voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”"Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”