Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop

3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”

4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

9. Damn, there go the lights again…

10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.

11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

14. I hope his family won’t miss him

15. And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.

16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

18. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says… “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.”

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, “That’s very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn’t you learn any manners! Where did you come from?”

The man looked up helplessly and said, “The balcony!”

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop

“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again…

“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.”

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

Don’t worry; I think it’s sharp enough.

What do you mean “You want a divorce”!

She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

“I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”

“I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”

“I used to come here all the time with my ex.”

“Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.”

“I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”

“And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.”

“I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.”

“It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”

“I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none,erased it and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that!

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

“Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool!”

“Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board?!”

Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument.

If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion. But what if he’s right? That has not happened yet.