Why Dogs don’t surf the web…

Can’t stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.

Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says “No,” ask, “Why not?”

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of “Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.”

4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop

3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”

4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

9. Damn, there go the lights again…

10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.

11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

14. I hope his family won’t miss him

15. And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.

16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

18. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says… “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.”

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, “That’s very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn’t you learn any manners! Where did you come from?”

The man looked up helplessly and said, “The balcony!”

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop

“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again…

“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.”

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

Don’t worry; I think it’s sharp enough.

What do you mean “You want a divorce”!

She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

“I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”

“I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”

“I used to come here all the time with my ex.”

“Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.”

“I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”

“And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.”

“I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.”

“It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”

“I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none,erased it and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”