A Native American, who hung an eagle feather from her mortarboard at graduation, won’t be getting a diploma.

Neither will the two African Americans who wore multicolored tribal cloth with their gowns at the Muskogee, OK High School graduation.

According to the school district in this redneck town immortalized by Merle Haggard, the kids broke the dress code and won’t receive their diplomas and transcripts until they complete 25 days of summer school as punishment. The three students are asking the American Civil Liberties Union to help them sue.

Says Native American Danaj Battese Trudell, “I’m not going to be defined by the white man anymore.”

15. They stripped you and locked you in the trunk of your car with a fifth of vodka – but that was three weeks ago, and you’re getting cold and hungry.
14. Your “hazing” involves rope, concrete blocks, and a river.
13. Other pledges: hazing guided by the university’s Uniform Code of Acceptable Fraternal Practice; You: hazing guided by old “RoadRunner” cartoons.
12. You understand the spanking part of the hazing ritual, but the peanut butter and the German Shepherd were totally uncalled for.
11. You get a “special” hazing which involves a Jacuzzi and a toaster.
10. Even though you’re 99% finished with that ‘Get elected US President’ hazing ritual, they still won’t return your calls.
9. They refuse to let you borrow their Hootie and the Blowfish CDs.
8. The only times they let you into a frat party are when they need some fingerprints on a piece of evidence.
7. They only let you binge from the keg of O’Douls.
6. They challenge the pledge class to see how many pledges can fit into your sister.
5. Everyone else’s drunken group-bonding features strong homoerotic overtones, but yours is just a naked paddling.
4. All the sorority virgins get taken to *your* bed. Just not by you.
3. They trade you, 3 Molsons and a bag of Funions to the Deltas for a neon beer sign.
2. Helloooo? You’re *paying money* to hang out with them! Do I need to repeat that?

   and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Sign Your Fraternity Brothers Don’t Really Like You…

1. Your pledge command: Every time George W. Bush says something dumb, you do a shot.

[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
[   Copyright 2000 by Chris White    ]

Excerpted from the book “Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,” (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet

He explained that he had expected the trial to proceed in a more timely manner and had purchased nonrefundable airline tickets for a vacation.

“It’s manifestly necessary in my view that you continue the defense of your client,” the judge told the attorney. When this plea failed, the judge threatened to hold him in custody to assure his presence in the courtroom.

The attorney warned that such a move would only harm his client. “I mean, I’ll just be extremely hostile to the defendant. I’m just going to be totally hostile, totally hostile,” he told the judge, who was forced to declare a mistrial.

What is a man’s idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, “You can’t stay here you have to come with us.”

The old man replied, “No, God will save me.” So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, “God will save him.” So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, “Why didn’t you save me?”

God replied, “You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!”

Why don’t women need a watch?

There’s a clock on the stove.

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in.

The guy said, “Dude,thank goodness you showed up!” “I’m starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.”

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly.

The guy said, “Dude, don’t ask any questions, just sell it to em.”

The friend said, “Ok”. So the guy left.

A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, “I want a vibrator. What do you have?”

The friend said, “We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.”

The lady said, “I’ll take a little red one to carry in my bag.”

He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, “I would like a vibrator, what do you have?”

The friend replied, “Red, black or white, large, medium or small.

The woman asked, “Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?”

The friend said, “Well, I’ll sell it to ya if you want,” so she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, “Thanks Dude, you’re a life saver. So did you sell anything?”

The friend said, “Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.”

Why Dogs don’t surf the web…

Can’t stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.

Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says “No,” ask, “Why not?”

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of “Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.”

4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”