Q: How do you confuse a Polak (polish guy)?

A: Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25!

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. ” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.” Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.” Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve

Put some music in front of him.

50 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”

20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ballpoint pens.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).

36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or
Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in
big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say,
“It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut
the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell,
“Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure
out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural
“whirring” sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the
street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door
and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give
them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who
comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window,
crashing through
the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain
that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several
half-eaten candy
bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a
few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on
your porch.
Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open
the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the
door when you’re finished.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays.
Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called
and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on
his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as
he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that
last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a
note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. ” Leave another plate out
with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass
with a note that says, “For Santa. ”
Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well.
They always return to the scene of the crime.”
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.
While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red
nose!” and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance,
he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in
the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like
you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say,
“This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.

Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your
seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work
up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than
meets the eye.”
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo.
If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class
(or hit him/her with the wrench).
Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you
are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend
nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When
you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your
roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse
you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of
grievances.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then
look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of
stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce
that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to
discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with,
“Didja ever wonder why…” Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your
dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta
save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that
you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least
6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for
your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as
soon as you wake up.

A: You don’t. They’re born that way.