Before I came to college I wish I had known…

• that it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class I’d sleep right through it.
• that I would change so much and barely realize it.
• that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
• that college kids throw airplanes, too.
• that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you’re so dressed up.
• that every clock on campus shows a different time.
• that if you were smart in high school – so what?
• that I would go to a party the night before a final.
• that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together.
• that you can know everything and fail a test.
• that you can know nothing and ace a test.
• that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie.
• that home is a great place to visit.
• that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.
• that friendship is more than getting drunk together.
• that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
• that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
• that Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.
• that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math.
• that I really wouldn’t be with that high school (boy/girl)friend for the rest of my life.
• that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time.
• that beer would play an intricate role in my future.
• that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life.
• how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home.
• that I would no longer get allowance.

Thanx to William Conway.

George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.

“Dubya,” said his PR guy, “We’ve got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college.”

“It’s true,” replied Bush, “but it isn’t my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose.”

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

One student asked, “How much for a season pass?”

10. It doesn’t snow in Hell.

9. Everyone has heard of Hell.

8. It’s more fun getting into Hell.

7. You can’t fail out of Hell.

6. At least you can sleep in Hell.

5. Hell is forever, college just seems like it.

4. People smile in Hell.

3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.

2. You know there are hot men in Hell.

1. You wouldn’t tell a friend to go to college.

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in twin-sized beds seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well balanced meal.

7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. :00 AM is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school.

In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.

4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at

the teacher’s guide.

5. In college, there are no tardy slips.

6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you

get to live with your friends.

7. In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

8. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.)

9. In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to

choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the

prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.

10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way

out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.

11. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in

college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

12. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade

than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back.

In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.

14. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college,

senior guys hit on freshman girls.

15. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

16. In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of

the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she

will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

17. Once you’ve obtained the information described in #16, it’s much more time

-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will

be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”

18. In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

19. In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.

20. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

21. College guys are cuter than high school boys.

22. College women are legal.

23. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need

a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.

24. In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed.

In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.

25. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

1…Silence, the final frontier – Where no woman has gone before.

2…The undiscovered side of Banking – How to make deposits.

3…Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome – You don’t need new shoes everyday.

4…Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5…Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.

6…An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.

7…Man Management – Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8…Personal Space – Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.

9…Valuation – Just because it’s not important to you.

10..Communication Skills I – Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11..Communication Skills II – How to think before speaking.

12..What he really wants – Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13..Driving a car safely – A skill you can also acquire.

14..Real women drink their share at a party.

15..Telephones – How to hang up.

16..Parking – Beginners Course.

17..Parking (Advanced) – Reversing into a parking space.

18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel – Why they prefer the floor.

19..Managing your weight – It’s not water retention, it’s fat.

20..Learning to cook I – Bran in not food.

21..Learning to cook II – Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22..Compliments – How to accept them gracefully.

23..PMS – Your problem, not his.

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:

1… Combating Stupidity

2… You, Too, Can Do Housework

3… PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4… How to Fill an Ice Tray

5… We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6… Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am

7… Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled “Don’t Wash my Silks”)

8… Parenting: No, It Doesn’t End With Conception

9… Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10… How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You’re Obviously Wrong

11… Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12… Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13… You: The Weaker Sex

14… Reasons to Give Flowers

15. How to Stay Awake After Sex

16… Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom

17… Garbage: Getting it to the Curb

18… You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try

19… The Morning Dilemma if IT’s awake: Take a Shower

20… I’ll Wear it if I Damn Well Please

21… How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled “No, It’s Not a Bidet”)

22… “The Weekend” and “Sports” are Not Synonyms

23… Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit

24… How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost

25… The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

26… Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

27… Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

28… Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too

29… Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home

30… You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

31… Seeing the True You (formerly titled “No, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked”)

32… Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

33… The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary

34… Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary

35… Techniques of Calling Home

36… Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That’s right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101–Combating Stupidity MEN 102–You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103–PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104–We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule: MEN 110–Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111–Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am MEN 112–Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception EAT 100–Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101–Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A–What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule: MEN 120–How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You’re Wrong MEN 121–Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122–YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123–Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C–What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101–You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102–Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103–How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201–How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective–See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule: MEN 210–The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211–How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212–You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213–Believe Me, You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule: MEN 220–Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 MEN 222–Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223–Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives: EAT 101–Cooking with Tofu EAT 102–Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103–Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231–Mothers-in-law MEN 232–Appear to Be Listening MEN 233–Just Say “Yes, Dear” ECON 001C–Cheaper to Keep Her

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won’t Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It’s Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let’s Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down and Ten” Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don’t Fall Under the “Action/Adventure” Category or selecting movies that don’t star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. “I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”: Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let’s Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let’s Clean Under the Bed

25. “I Don’t Know”: Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It’s Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It