When Bill Clinton heard that the Big Easy was underwater, he thought he lost Monica.

From David Letterman and the Late Show…

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn’t Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy

9. When people whisper, “Your fly is open,” he says, “Yeah, I know”

8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera

7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he’ll say “pancakes” just for the fun of lying

6. He’s no longer just fat — he’s now Hugh Rodham fat

5. “Tubby” is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay

4. Doesn’t even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore

3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as “my lovely wife”

2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as “the house that dirty pardon money built”

1. Sits in the back of Al Gore’s journalism class screaming, “Loser!”

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:

“I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”

“No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.”

“Done” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the Great Wizard?”

Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I

need a heart.”

“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?”

And Willie replies – “Is Dorothy around?”

Q: What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?

A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?

A: The President after Bush.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?

A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?

A: “Don’t hit your head on the desk.”

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President’s day?

A: All pants half off.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?

A: They both blew the big one several times.

Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?

A: The Executive Branch.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?

A: They both have slots which say “Insert Bill” here.”

One of the nation’s largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, “Clinton Soup”, that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I don’t know, I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?” Bill Clinton replied, “No, some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Here are some “actual” bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you…Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery IS NOT a family value

Does character matter YET?

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn’t matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail

Clinton: Our Nation’s Fondling Father

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I be acquitted?”

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common? They’re both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn’t tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century? Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

“Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton”:

Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn’t explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn’t explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan “Nixon’s The One” Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say “He’s the one”

Nixon: Famous for his widow’s peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton’s firm denial:

“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.”

“This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.”

“I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.”

“Thank you.” Monica Lewinsky