What’s rude, black, thick and floats on water?

Crude oil

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

I heard this joke from my husband.

Q: Honey, would you still love me if I were burned beyond all recognition?

A: I’d love you MORE!

In article <27164@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU> amorando@euler.berkeley.edu (David Ashley) writes:

I would like to ask a question that has bothered me ever since I heard about
nude places like beaches, parks and whatnot.

What if you are a guy and you get a hard on. Do you try and cover it up (don’t
ask ME how) or does everyone just take it for granted and politely ignore it?
Or do nudists say that the problem never comes up due to self-control?

This is a common question among newcomers to nudist activities. In
practice, it is nothing to worry about. What usually happens is
something like this:

You get an erection, somebody notices, points at
you and yells, “Hey, look at the hard-on on that guy” or, “Look at that
guy trying to hide his hard-on.” Then everyone gathers around, pointing
and laughing. If you try to run away, they all follow you. People
start taking pictures. Eventually, some mesomorph/homophobe thinks he
catches you looking at his girlfriend/self and beats the hell out of
you. After this happens two or three times, you get conditioned to
always go limp when you see a naked body.

No problem.

Alan Filipski, Phoenix, Arizona

A group of the world’s leading computer scientists got together and created a gigantic computer. It had hundreds of 120 pentium chips linked together, more than 1,000 ten gigabyte hard drives and ran at speeds in excess of 5,000 MHz.

After months of feeding in data, the leading scientist sat down at the keyboard and typed in, “Is there a God?”

The answer instantly flashed up on the huge monitor, “There is NOW!”

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left.

None replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.

Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking.

Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married.

Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?

No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning



against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile



on its face.



The egg, looking decidedly unhappy, grabs the sheet and rolls over



and says, “Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT



question!”

LONDON (Nov 8, 1996 1:48 p.m. EST) – Scientists searching for one of the fundamental keys to the universe found they had been beaten to the answer by the comic cult novel “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”; and the answer was 42.



In the British novel and radio serial by Douglas Adams, an alien race programs a computer called Deep Thought to provide the ultimate answer to understanding life and the universe.



In the novel, seven and a half million years later Deep Thought comes back with the result – 42.



Astronomers at Britain’s Cambridge University took a little less time – three years – to calculate the Hubble Constant that determines the age of the universe. But the answer was the same.



“It caused quite a few laughs when we arrived at the figure 42, because we’re all great fans of The Hitchhiker’s Guide,” Dr. Keith Grange, one of the team of Cambridge scientists who worked on the project, said Friday.



“Everyone thought it was quite fun.”



The scientists were using a new technique to determine the value of the Hubble Constant, a source of constant controversy among astronomers. The Constant is a measure of the rate at which galaxies are receding from each other as a result of the Big Bang that created the universe.



Knowing how quickly everything is flying apart can enable scientists to work out the universe’s age.



This has presented a problem, since the large Hubble Constant values estimated by some experts would mean that the universe is younger than its oldest stars. The Cambridge team put the age of the universe at between 14 and 16 billion years.



Grange said the answer was unlikely to remain 42, however. The team plans to observe more galaxy clusters and take an average of a larger number of measurements.



“After averaging out all these values we’ll have a relatively accurate answer,” he said. “It may be 42, but it could be anything between0 and 55.”

“Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?”



the suspicious wife sneered.





“No, I can’t.” the husband replied. “I distinctly remember



taking my shirt off.”

“Excuse me, could you tell me the time?” asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

“Sure….it’s three fifteen,”he replied with a smile.

“Thanks,” she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.”You know, it’s the weirdest thing-I’ve been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer.”