Forwarded from another list. You may have to be a fan of the show to understand them. No offense to any Borg out there.

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Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Illumination is irrelevant.

Q. What does a depressed Borg say?

A. Everything’s NOT futile.

Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?

A: Standing there was futile.

Our local cable company recently took over one of the channels and began 24-hour adverstising on it.

One of the programmes is called “The Dating Network (TM)” and consists of people placing personal ads on for this hour that it’s on every night.

Cable advertises the show on other stations, and the ad goes something like this: “Successful singles don’t do to singles bars! They don’t go on special singles cruises! No, successful singles use The Dating Network (TM)…”

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the object of going to bars and cruises and The Dating Network (TM) to be *un*successful at being single…?

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Turning back to football (some call it soccer!), our local ABC affiliate, the one that blocks out NYPD Blue with Baywatch ’cause NYPD Blue really isn’t quality programming, refuses to cover the World Cup.

They announced that they didn’t feel that the audience would be strong enough to show the matches, so they’re instead showing movies during the game. Movies like “Blind Date” (it had Bruce Willis – if you didn’t see it, don’t feel left out, ’cause no one else did either) and “Mannequin 2: On the Move”.

Boy, I’d much rather watch these winners than see a sporting event that takes place once evry four years and for the first time is being played in this *great* country of ours…

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-Ben Scripps
Central Michigan University

Did you ever think, when a hearse rolls by,

That you may be the next to die?

They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,

And drop you down about six feet deep.

All goes well for about a week,

And then your coffin begins to leak.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,

The worms play pinnacle on you snout.

They eat your clothes, they eat your hat,

They crawl in skinny and crawl out fat!

This wonderful example of international humor was posted on the listserv list INDIA-D:

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By the way, for we people (from India) who were born and brought up in the wrong side of the world, doing things in the wrong way has become a way of life.

For example,

• In India we drive on the wrong side of the road. Even the cars we produce or drive have steering wheels on the wrong side.
• We pronounce ‘Z’ as “Jed” instead of “Zee”.
• We meekly accepted MKS (Meter,Kilogram,Second) system like the rest of the world while America proudly stuck to the FPS system.
• We use Lakhs & Crores while they use millions & billions.
• We dumbly use Celsius while they use Fahrenheit (Cool!).
• We play football only using foot. (How restricting! We lack imagination…)
• In restaurants we ask for a bill and pay it with a cheque unlike here where they ask for check and pay it with a bill (Dollar bill).
• I never realised ‘#’ was the right symbol for pound instead of a L with a slash until I came here. (How stupid of me…)
• While they zoomed past with their cars filled with gallons of GAS, we keep wondering how do you measure gas in gallons.
• We think we have sense of humour while we can’t even spell it right.

Even after coming to the right side of the world if I can’t correct myself, what am I doing here? I should go back to the wrong side of the world where I belong.

On the other hand why don’t the wrong side of the world (Obviously the rest of the world) change their ways and follow the noble example of USA.

Beats me…

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer JOKES are there?

A: Only three — the rest are TRUE.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A: His partners.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control?

A: His personality.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing — There are some things even a pig won’t do.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

1) The lawyer gets frequent-flyer miles.

2) Removable wing tips.

Q: What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?

A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey the most toxic waste sites?

A: New Jersey got first choice.

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-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Need a tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

This “true story” has done the rounds so many times it is now almost urban legend. Here in South Africa some of our townships have, on occasion, been reduced to a war-zone by orgies of violence by opposing tribal factions. One of the preferred tools for human mutilation is the panga, a long broad flat knife not unlike a machete.

The story goes that one night, this man walks into the local clinic with a panga embedded square in the middle of his skull. As the hospital was understaffed and overbusy the poor guy was left to sit, leaning over a bucket slowly filling with blood, in line in the waiting room waiting to be attended to.

A few minutes later the nurse notices the man with the panga chatting to another man. As the man with the panga had not been accompanied by anyone when he came in she was curios to know who he was. She walked up to the visitor and asked, “Are you a relative?”

The reply; “No, I’ve come to get my panga”

• Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
• 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
• Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring’s homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
• 29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
• 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
• 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
• 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
• Over 50% believe in spanking, but only a child over 2 years old.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.
• How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
• 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• 45% use mouthwash every day.
• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
• The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
• Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
• 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 62% of us pop our zits.
• 33% of women lie about their weight.
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
• 57% have had deja vu.
• 49% believe in ESP.
• 44% have broken a bone.
• Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
• 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
• 15% regularly go to a shrink.
• 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
• 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 23.5% admit they don’t always flush.
• 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they’re using the toilet.
• 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
• 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
• 22% are functionally illiterate.
• The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
• 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
• 2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
• 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
• 40% of us have had music lessons.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say we’re average-looking.
• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
• The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
• Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% proposed over the phone.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 56% of women never use their car blinkers.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
• 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

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From Harper’s Index
Received from William Conway.

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man’s penis?

A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they’re practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

OR

A. Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they’re born?

A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?

A. Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. What’s the best way to kill a man?

A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A. They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

Q. Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and women…

A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?

A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!

P.S. AT LEAST FINDING 5 BRIGHT, FUNNY WOMEN IS POSSIBLE

When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied “Has it been a year already?

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful tone. “You made a complete ass of yourself.

You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”

“He’s an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!”

“You did. All over his suit,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him,” said John.

“I did, said Louise, “You’re back at work on Monday.”