Search
Sponsored Links

Archive for the ‘True Stories Jokes’ Category


Internet Communists

Monday, August 16th, 2010

I work for the computer help desk of a large university. One of our more memorable clients is infamous for what I can only describe as techno-paranoia. The last time she called to tell us we were going to have to do something about the “Internet Communists”.

She was convinced that they were getting into her PC through her television and putting typographical errors in her word processing files. “They weren’t there before,” she insisted, “and I don’t make those kinds of mistakes!”

Mexican Lottery

Friday, August 13th, 2010

My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said “Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.”

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer

Saturday, March 10th, 2007

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused
by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and
the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently
California. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution,
or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic
health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military
organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing
multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare
situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it
through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many
store large quantities for later use.

It’s Not Too Late!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you don’t know can hurt you and others
throughout the world.

Momma’s Growth

Monday, February 12th, 2007

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
“I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

Thirty Years Ago, When The

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

Thirty years ago, when the Air Force needed a large cargo plane, it
put out a list of specifications that took up less than 8 pages.
Lockheed responded with a proposal 3/4″ thick, which resulted in
a huge plane named the Hercules. In 1980, when the Air Force needed
a new cargo plane, it issued specifications that took up 2,750 pages.
Lockheed’s proposal alone weighed 6,600 pounds. To deliver it, the
company used one of the old Hercules cargo planes.

- John Tierney, in Science 85

Tonya Harding Supposedly Saved An

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

Tonya Harding supposedly saved an 81-year-old woman’s life at the Lost
and Found Bar in Portland by performing CPR on her (the medics said the
woman had merely fainted). Says Jay Leno: “And I guess out of force of
habit she performed mouth-to-mouth on three bikers at the pool table,
too.”

From The Honolulu Advertiser More

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed
in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells
to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing
the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

This Wonderful Bit Of Followup

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

This wonderful bit of followup on the news courtesy of Durham Herald-Sun
columnist Carl Daniels-Kinney:

I’m sure many of you are aware that about two weeks ago, the US Supreme
Court ruled that the state of Missouri cannot discriminate against the Ku
Klux Klan when it comes to groups that want to participate in the
adopt-a-highway program. Of course, while the name of the Klan is
aesthetically disgusting, we’d all agree that this decision is a victory
for free speech and equal protection under the law, right?

Well, the DOT in Missouri has gotten their revenge, and boy is it sweet.
Sure, they can’t remove the KKK’s adopt-the-highway sign, but few would
dispute the state’s ability to name the highway itself.

The KKK is now cleaning up a stretch of the newly-christened Rosa Parks
Freeway.

Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, And

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in West
Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch allegedly
cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink, apparently
believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to the
bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police said
Pyrcioch would have a better chance of getting away with it if he had not
used checks pre-printed with his name and account number on them.

The Stanford Law Review Runs

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:

“For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there
is one chopping at the roots.”

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:

“For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand
smoking the stuff.”