A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit of desperate inspiration, he takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked, “What in the world are you doing?!”

The student answered, “I’m following the instructions. The test paper clearly states that we should answer the questions in brief.”

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT ? ! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your turn.”

35. If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they’re for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman’s teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman’s teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

21. Labs used to be fun.

22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.

23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.

24. E-mail becomes your second language.

25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.

27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you could recite last week’s episode of “Friends” verbatim.

34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles