1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, the rabbi turns to the priest and hands him a twenty dollar bill and says, “Hey Father…here’s that $20 I owe you.”

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a fairly large wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Relax, you schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them”. And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.

And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.

And God said “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said “You are running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery…

And Satan created HMOs.

An Amish boy was driving his horse-drawn buggy to town when he was stopped by a highway patrol officer.

“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” said the Amish boy, “I shall have my father repair it as soon as I return home.”

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your father check this, too.”

“Again I thank thee,” said the Amish boy, “I shall have my father check this also when I return home.”

True to his word, when the Amish boy got home he told his father about the broken reflector and his father said that he would repair it immediately.

“Also,” said the Amish boy, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.”

How many Mormons Does it take to change a lightbulb?

Young Women: Only one but she has to say the theme first.

Relief Society: One to bring the doilies, ten to bring a salad or dessert, and one to change the lightbulb.

High Priests: One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the oxygen tank.

Anyone else: They change the light bulb while the ward clerk decides how much to refund them.

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God said, “It is disappointing that your request is so blatantly selfish and materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific… The concrete and steel it would take… It will nearly exhaust several of the planet’s natural resources. I can do it, of course, but it is hard for me to justify using so many of Earth’s much-needed resources for such a task. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “God, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied, “So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

How Many Church Members Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he could improve his public speaking skills. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a little sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door, with the monsignor’s comments about this second sermon:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat Me”
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the “Mary with the Cherry”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!” But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check it’s contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!”