You might be a redneck if your dog sits in the front seat and your wife sits in the back seat.

You might be a redneck if…

You take a bath in a water trough.

Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.

If your flyswatter gets more use than your toothbrush.

You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.

If you use your front porch as a stand for deer hunting.

If you have two refigerators – one outside for the food and one inside for the beer.

You pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!

You remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dash board.

Q: How do you circumsize a redneck?

A: You kick his sister in the jaw.

‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;

Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:

The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll!

The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.”

Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,

So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.

The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?”

Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.

This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’

But the boys didn’t know; They was about to start shootin’!

They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake

That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!”

That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain,

And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.

“Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!

Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!

Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!”

The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up,

And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.

Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.

Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.

The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer Got into the air,

The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys.

Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:

“Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right.

That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.

They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,

But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.

And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu”.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?

He signs “his” name under “cause of death!”

Q: What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?

A: Either way somebody loses a trailer home!

You know you’re a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.

You know you’re a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!

If you’ve been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.

If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.

You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.

You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.

You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.

You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.

You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.

You might be a redneck if you think “fat-free” means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.

You know you’re a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn’t marry his daughter.

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.

You might be a redneck if it’s easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.

You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.

You know you’re a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says “Concentrate.”

You know you’re a redneck when some one yells “hoe down” and your wife drops to the floor!

You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:

1) “Nothing says lovin’ like lovin’ your cousin!”

2) “Why go across town when you can go across the hall?”

3) “If you can’t keep it in the pants then keep it in the family.”

You know you’re a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.

You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.

You know you’re a redneck when you’re front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren’t.

You know you’re a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.

What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?

“Hey y’all, watch this!”

You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!

You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.

Q: How do you know you’ve been kidnapped by a redneck?

A: He’s asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said “lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a poll-ice roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat”.

“What fer?”, asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?”, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No, sir”, said Earl. “We’re on the patch”!

You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, ‘“Did you know that we are a Fourtune 500 Company?’”

And you answer ‘“What track do y’all sponsor that race at? I ain’t been to that one yet.”