“How ’bout that Saddam Hussein? I’m beginning to think the guy’s wacky. He announced that if he’s found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney.” –David Letterman
“Saddam Hussein boycotted his trial in Bagdad this week. He just refused to come to the courthouse. So what, just so long as he shows up for the execution. That’s all I care about.” –Jay Leno
“At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I’m sorry, that’s President Bush.” –Jay Leno
“Today in Baghdad, the judge in the Saddam Hussein trial said that Saddam was not a dictator. After saying this, Saddam was furious. He said, ‘What does a guy have to do?’.” –Conan O’Brien
“President Bush said he’s often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isn’t responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same — ‘Dad, quit asking me that.’.” –Jay Leno
“The Senate Intelligence Committee — that almost sounds like an oxymoron — released a report this week saying there’s no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy.” –Jay Leno
“The new Senate report that came out today said there is no evidence that Saddam Hussein had ties to al Qaeda before we invaded Iraq. Tony Snow, the White House spokesman, said this is just another partisan attempt to denigrate what administration officials worked so hard to pull out of their asses.” –Bill Maher
“Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don’t want you to die.” –Jay Leno
“Saddam Hussein’s trial began today, and during the proceedings, Saddam refused to identify himself. Luckily, everyone recognized him from that time he ran the country for 25 years. The trial was televised live throughout Iraq. Yeah, Iraqis were glued to their TV sets, mainly because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets.” –Conan O’Brien
“Saddam’s trial, the TV event of the year. It’s like the Oscars, but with atrocities.” –Stephen Colbert
“Saddam Hussein’s guards are giving interviews. … Apparently Saddam likes Raisin Bran for breakfast but hates Froot Loops. After hearing this, President Bush said, ‘he hates Froot Loops; he’s more evil than I thought.’” –Conan O’Brien
“Saddam has even been giving (his guards) advice on how to date women. He said what you do is play some Barry White in your spider hole.” –David Letterman
“Turns out Saddam Hussein is a neat freak who likes to eat Doritos and Cheetos all day. At least that’s what he said on his profile for eharmony.com.” –Jay Leno
“This just in: People magazine has just named Saddam Hussein sexiest man alive.” –David Letterman
“Saddam Hussein in his underpants — finally some quality pornography for women, everything you need right there.” –David Letterman
“People in the Middle East are still angry about the picture. They said how would we like it if our leader was caught without his pants on? Uh, been there done that.” –Jay Leno
“It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush.” -Bill Maher, on Saddam’s capture
“Now that George Bush has captured Saddam Hussein, it raises the question, what’s he going to get his dad for Christmas next year?” -Jay Leno
“President Bush says he doesn’t want to use the capture of Saddam for political gain. He says he wants a very slow, public trial that would end, oh, about next November.” -Jay Leno
“For the last four days, they’ve been interrogating Saddam Hussein. … He denies knowing Osama bin Laden. He said ‘Oh sure, I’d run into him at industry functions, but I didn’t really know him.’” -David Letterman
“Saddam was found cowering in his little hole in the ground. Supposedly, his goal was to remain in hiding until all the shooting stopped. Well, hey, it worked for the French.” -Jay Leno
“Saddam’s daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I don’t know what’s the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book.” -Jay Leno
“When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner” -Conan O’Brien
“According to CNN, before the soldiers pulled him out of the hole, Saddam yelled ‘I’m willing to negotiate.’ I’m no expert on the art of the deal, but when you’re in a hole with 600 soldiers around, what is your bargaining chip?” -Jay Leno
“They found several pairs of Saddam’s boxer shorts in the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have come to finding weapons of mass destruction.” -David Letterman
“I’m watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned – but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi?” -Jon Stewart
“During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about weapons of mass destruction. He said the U.S. dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with us – and Howard Dean said ‘Hey, that’s my line!’” -Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Democratic candidate Howard Dean was going to make a major speech on foreign policy but then Saddam Hussein was captured and he had to change the speech dramatically at the last second. The new title – ‘Oh, Crap!’” -Conan O’Brien
“Officials say that when they tried to interview Saddam Hussein he was smug, curt and often sarcastic. Later, Saddam apologized and said he was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld.” -Conan O’Brien
“One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for flees on FOX News.” -David Letterman
“Saddam Hussein just gave himself up. I mean hell, Michael Jackson put up more of a fight.” -David Letterman
“This guy was a wreck, you saw the pictures. They had to clean him up in a hurry; they had to give him an emergency Queer Eye makeover.” -David Letterman
“You’ve seen the pictures. (Saddam) had that long beard. They say he was confused; he was disoriented. It’s the same condition Al Gore was in before he endorsed Howard Dean.” -David Letterman
“Saddam Hussein has been captured. I’m sure everyone knows that by now unless you’ve been living in a hole, in which case if you were, you’re probably the guy they got.” -Jon Stewart
“It’s ironic that they found him in a hole since the term ‘A-hole’ has been used to describe him so many times.” -Jay Leno
“They took a DNA sample from him – that’s gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said ‘tell me about it!’” -Jay Leno
“At the time of the capture he had $750,000 in cash on him. They think he was trying to buy three gallons of gas from Halliburton … $750,000 – you know what that means? He is now eligible for the Bush tax cut!” -Jay Leno
“Reaction is coming in from all over the world. The British government is praising the United States, the Spanish government said it was a great day, and the French government praised Saddam for the way he surrendered – ‘We couldn’t have done it quicker ourselves!” -Jay Leno
“When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didn’t want him caught – the Democratic candidates.” -Jay Leno
“In footage that’s already loosing shock value, doctors checked Saddam for lice and pronounced him a member of the Need a Bath party.” -Jon Stewart
“The individual who gave the tip leading to Husein’s capture gets a $25 million award. Surprisingly, the man’s name is Hall Halliburton.” -Craig Kilborn
“We have captured Saddam Hussein. President Bush said those two words that strike fear in the heart of every Californian: fair trial.” -Craig Kilborn
“Saddam Hussein got a full medical exam and treatment. How does it feel knowing the Butcher of Baghdad got a flu shot before you?” -Craig Kilborn
Saddam was captured and living in a hole – a six-by-eight hole for ventilation. Here in New York City we call that the subway.” -David Letterman
“He was dirty, he had not bathed, he had a full scraggly frightening-looking beard, he had a bag full of cash, he was carrying a pistol, he had several un-opened packages of underwear – it’s like I have a twin!” -David Letterman
“Saddam Hussein’s brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. That’s good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. … Saddam’s three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell aren’t we?” -David Letterman
“The military said we’ll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?” -Jay Leno
“We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.” -David Letterman
“There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad.” -Jay Leno
“Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, aren’t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy.” -Jay Leno
“Governor Pataki in New York says he knows what to do. He said we should take the toppled statues of Saddam Hussein, melt them down and put them in a new World Trade Center – to serve as a permanent reminder that America is a country that cannot tell Arabs apart.” -Bill Maher
“It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay.” -Jay Leno
“The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He’s dead, then he’s alive, then dead, then alive. It’s just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.” -David Letterman
“No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it’s live. You know, it’s like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.” -David Letterman
“We now have all of Saddam’s palaces and residences; he has no place to live. If Saddam thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait until he sees how Republicans treat the homeless.” -Jay Leno
“There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, “Oh yeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here … then you’re screwed.” -Jay Leno
“Today a cruise missile blew up another part of Saddam Hussein’s presidential palace. Think about this, he’s got yachts, he’s got palaces, he’s got luxury guards. No wonder why he’s surrounded by the elite ‘Republican Guard.’ He’s a Republican.” -Jay Leno
“New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn’t know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.” -Craig Kilborn
“Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, he’d rather die and we’d rather kill him.” -Jay Leno
“In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that’s needed. Isn’t that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it’s for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out.” -Jay Leno
“Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That’s when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy’s troops kill themselves.” -Jay Leno
“In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them.” -Jay Leno
“A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.” -David Letterman
“President Bush’s approval rating has dropped another five points just in the last week. It’s now down to 58 percent. I’m not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein.” -Jay Leno
“U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan says he can think of no reason to attack Iraq right now. I can think of five off the top of my head: Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Texaco and BP.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like ‘the rerun of a bad movie.’ Well sure, there’s a Bush in the White House, the economy’s going to hell, we’re going to war over oil. I’ve seen this movie, haven’t I?” -Jay Leno
“In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.” -Jay Leno
“As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it’s about gasoline.” -Jay Leno
“U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?” -Jay Leno
“According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced that it would offset those costs by referring to it as the Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq.” -Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”
“Saddam Hussein has agreed to let UN weapons inspectors in Iraq. But he also said under no circumstances will Geraldo be let back in the country.” -Conan O’Brien
“They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penn’s couch.” -David Letterman
“The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a ‘safe haven’ for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?” -Jay Leno
“Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.” -Jon Stewart
“The bill gives the president the power to wage war on Iraq – or, as President Bush calls it, “Operation Re-election.’” -Jay Leno, on the vote in Congress to authorize war against Iraq
“President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the president’s address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech ‘When Presidents Attack.’” -Conan O’Brien
“It’s like they’re the Wal-Mart of evil.” -Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bush’s description of Iraq as a country that “gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place”
“More and more information coming out on Saddam Hussein. We now know that he has, like, 24 presidential palaces. Each one of these palaces of Saddam’s has a dolphin pool and an amusement park. Well, if you didn’t think this guy was creepy before – now he’s starting to sound like Michael Jackson.” -David Letterman
“President Bush is asking Congress for permission to wage war on Iraq. Some members of Congress are reluctant to go along with the plan so far. All Bush needs to do is remind these guys that, in Iraq, an adulterer gets stoned to death.” -Jay Leno
“What was left unclear…is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh…1982 Saddam.” -Jon Stewart
“More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.” -Jay Leno
“Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.” -David Letterman
“Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush said it’s now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.” -Jay Leno
“Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there.” -Jay Leno
“The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they’re all lining up.” -Jay Leno
“The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he’d like to help, but he’s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.” -Conan O’Brien
“Germany is now saying that they won’t go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France and Belgium.” -Jay Leno
“A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush’s dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.” -Jay Leno
“Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we can’t even get the people of Florida to choose their own leaders.” -Jay Leno
“I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, let’s wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there.” -Craig Kilborn
“The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that’s President Bush’s Father’s Day gift to his Dad.” -Jay Leno
“Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What’s next, a health care plan?” -Jay Leno
“The U.S. and several of our allies have been trying to secretly to convince Saddam Hussein to step down from power and go into exile forever. It’s called ‘Operation Al Gore.’” -Jay Leno
“The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida.” -Conan O’Brien
“Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.” -David Letterman
“Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that’s according to Saddam’s campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.” -Jay Leno
“Here’s something dreadful I heard about. You know these suicide bombers. Turns out Saddam Hussein is paying these people. He’s paying people money to blow themselves up. Isn’t that nuts? Isn’t that just bizarre? More bizarre than that, recently he increased their salary. The increase is $10,000 to $25,000 for a suicide bombing. Coincidentally, that’s the same deal I signed up for with CBS.” -David Letterman
“Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. I was sweating like Saddam Hussein watching Bush’s poll numbers drop.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the president’s address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech ‘When Presidents Attack.’” -Conan O’Brien
“It’s like they’re the Wal-Mart of evil.” -Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bush’s description of Iraq as a country that “gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place”
“Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the ‘Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.’ Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.” -Jon Stewart
“What was left unclear…is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh…1982 Saddam.” -Jon Stewart
“In a bizarre move, Saddam Hussein has released all prisoners being held in Iraqi jails. Isn’t that amazing? Iraq has prisoners that are still alive.” -Jay Leno
“Isn’t it funny how people say they’ll never grow up to be their parents, then one day they look in the mirror and they’re moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf region?” -from The Onion’s “question man” about President Bush’s plans for war with Iraq
“The New York Times is reporting that President Bush now has a formal plan for attacking Iraq. They say the key to this plan is timing. As soon as Bush’s popularity falls below 52 percent, then it goes into effect.” -Jay Leno, July 2002
(These jokes are from various media sources.)
