I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Slogans for women’s T-shirts:
• I’m out of estrogen – I have a gun.

• Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?

• I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

• Next mood swing: six minutes.

• And your point is?

• I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

• I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

• Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.

• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

• I’m multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

• Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP

• All stressed out and no one to choke.

• I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

• How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

• Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

• Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.

Why didn’t JFK Jr take a shower before be left for the Vineyard?
He said he’d wash up on shore.

Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
Their motto is ‘Your luggage will arrive before you do!’

What do Kennedy’s miss most about Martha’s Vineyard?
The runway.

How did JFK Jr learn to fly?
Crash course.

How are the Kennedy’s like oil?
They don’t mix well with water.

Why aren’t there more JFK Jr jokes out there?
They just haven’t surfaced yet.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The 1000 km journey always begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper that’s the time to do it.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

You can’t strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

When someone says, ‘Do you want my opinion?’ it is always a negative one.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.

The word ‘listen’ contains the same letters as the word ‘silent’.

The trouble with work is – it’s so daily.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

Scientists say one out of even four people is crazy. Check three friends – if they are OK, you’re it.

Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

Q. Why don’t witches wear underwear?

A. To get a better grip on the broom!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts the sentence with, `A man once told me…’

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.

Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course… at least he’ll shut up after you’ve let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent – wedding cake.

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

She is not a babe or a chick;
She is a breasted person.

She is not a bleached blonde;
she is peroxide dependent.

She is not a bad cook;
she is microwave compatible.

She does not wear too much jewelry; she is metallically overburdened.

She is not conceited;
she is intimately aware of her best qualities.

She does not want to be married;
she wants to lock you in domestic incarceration.

She does not gain weight;
she is a metabolic under-achiever.

She is not a screamer or a moaner; she is vocally appreciative.

She is not easy;
she is horizontally accessible.

She does not tease or flirt;
she engages in artificial stimulation.

She is not dumb;
she is a detour off the information super-highway.

She is not too skinny;
she is skeletally prominent.

She does not have a moustache;
she is in touch with her masculine side.

She has not been around;
she is a previously enjoyed companion.

She does not wear too much perfume; she commits fragrance abuse.

She does not get you excited;
she causes temporary blood displacement.

She is not kinky;
she is a non-inhibited sexual companion.

She does not have a killer body;
she is terminally attractive.

She does not go shopping;
she is mall fluent.

She is not an airhead;
she is reality impaired.

She does not get drunk or tipsy;
she gets chemically inconvenienced.

She does not get fat or chubby;
she achieves maximum density.

She is not cold or frigid;
she is thermally inaccessible.

She is not horny;
she is sexually focused.

She does not wear too much make-up;
she has reached cosmetic saturation.

She does not have breast implants; she is gravity resistant.

She does not nag you;
she becomes verbally repetitive.

She is not a slut;
she is sexually extroverted.

She is not loose;
she is morally impaired.

She does not have major league hooters;
she is pectorally superior.

She does not have thin lips;
she is collagen depleted.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two – if you slice them very thinly.

Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What’s the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn’t want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies’ bums right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they’re practicing to be men.

What’s the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have changed. They’re no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

What’s the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.

Why don’t women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they always dribble before they shoot.

Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
He was destined to a life of DIY.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome,
the caring and the majority.

What’s a man’s ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?
Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.

What do you call a Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you are angry with him/her.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Pre-natal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: To whine in words.

Whodunnit: None of the kids that live in your house.