“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job”

–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

“This is a great day for France!”

–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.’”

–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan.

We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh… setbacks.”

–George Bush

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.”

–Dan Quayle

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in

the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”

–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind–or not to have a mind. How true that is.”

–Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.”–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.”

–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.”

–George Bush

“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.”

–Ronald Reagan

“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”

–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”

–Dan Quayle

“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.”

–Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn’t have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

“Bite the wax tadpole.”

– Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

“Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.”

– ad slogan “Pepsi Comes Alive” as originally translated into Chinese

“I am a jelly doughnut”

–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

“We pray for MacArthur’s erection.”

–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

“It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.”

–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

“I’m not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.”–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.”–Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

“Retraction: The ‘Greek Special’ is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.”

–correction printed in The Daily Californian

“Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!”

–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

“I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?”

–announcer of children’s radio show “Life With Mother” to her audience

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker’s hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says “What’s the matter old man? Didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?”

The old guy says in reply “Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot.

I thought maybe you were my kid. . . ”

One day a man decided to geta tattoo on his penis, his wife asked

were have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The

wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!

Bad: You can’t find your vibrator.

Worse: Your daughter “borrowed” it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.

Worse: You’re in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.

Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband’s a cross dresser.

Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.

Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.

Worse: She’s a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.

Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife’s leaving you.

Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife’s arrested for soliciting.

Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.

Bad: You’re arrested.

Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman’s early.

Bad: He’s wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said “yes.”

Bad: Your wife says “no.”

Good: The teacher likes your son.

Bad: Sexually.

Worse: He’s gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.

Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.

Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.

Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.

Bad: It’s performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.

Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.

Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently “runs out of gas.”

Bad: For real.

Good: Your child’s “waiting for Mr. Right”.

Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.

Bad: She’s eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.

Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son’s doing extra credit work.

Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.

Bad: It’s counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.

Bad: Your daughter’s the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.

Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.

Bad: She’s coming home.

Good: Your wife’s kinky.

Bad: With the neighbors.

Worse: All of them.

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind

I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind! I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have “hip” problems.

Neither understand football.

Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS *****

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says “Earthling take me to your leader!”

He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. “Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!”

Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says, “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!”

The second Alien replies “O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block.”

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time.

“Earthling take me to your leader!”

No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien “If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?”

The second replies “I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!”

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to

find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a

cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what does it for” he asks. “This potion will make anyone an

excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is

agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his

sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of

golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He

spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every

course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After

a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the

witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk

to her.

“Well”, she asks, “How has your game been?” “Great! This has been

the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and

never lost a game.”

“And how about your sex life?” “Oh, not bad.”

“Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many

times did you have sex last year?” “Hmmmm, it was three, no, four

times.”

“And you call that not bad?” “Not for a priest with a small parish.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.

Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile, “The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay awhile”

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn’t even mention.

A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. “This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t, Do I’ll leave ‘em here, and then I’ll just split.”

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, “Take me home, Rudolf. This night’s been a bitch!”

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, “The best thing about pussy is you can’t wear it out!!”

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t go through a faze every 28 days

Man, I’m glad I’m a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house

I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’ Man, I’m glad I’m a man