1. Don’t call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like “Spike.”

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don’t ask. People will think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

11. Say things like “Wha. . . ?”

12. Deny everything. Everything.

13. Don’t have a clue.

14. If you don’t get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, “Don’t worry. If you don’t have an orgasm, you won’t get pregnant.”

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: “Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?”

Answer: “Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily.”

19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.

20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.

21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.

22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

26. Lie.

27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.

29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted “Door Spot” and other will worship you.

31. If you’re on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.

32. When you tell a girl about your past, it’s good to say, “God, I was such a pimp back then.”

33. Here’s a good trick. Tell a girl that you’re going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad’s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.

35. Practice your blank stare.

36. If you’re ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won’t be asked to do it again.

37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don’t want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don’t know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say “See???? I told you I couldn’t do it.” Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.

38. Do not listen to “pussy music” like Color Me Badd or the oldies.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Lie.

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.

When finished he looks down and sees. . “W Y” and says “Hey I said her name was Wendy”

Man says “Don’t worry shake it.” . . . He does, . . and voila!- Wendy.

He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees “W Y” and says “W Y, huh?”

Billy says oh! its my girlfriend’s name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)

Jamaican says: “Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice.”

Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says “W Y”.

Billy says: “Hey, wait a minute, yours says Wendy too?”

“Ah no man. Mine says “Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.”

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if…

…..Tech Support calls “You” for help.

…..Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL

…..You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.

…..You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out”

…..you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s

…..you’ve ever typed “drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone”

…..you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it

…..you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences

…..you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing

…..when someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”

…..you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

…..you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family’s.

…..you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook

…..you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own

…..you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)

…..you’re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one

…..you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room

…..you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time

…..you won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved

….you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists

….you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy

….you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours

….you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one…hehehe)

….your buddy list has over 100 people on it

….you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee

….you wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to sign on

….you don’t know where the time has gone

….you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.

….your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had

….you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead

….you don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo

….when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***

….you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme

….your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL”

….you type faster than you think

….being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult

…you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say “BRB” or “BBL”

….you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room

…you’ve gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers

….you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life

…you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name

…your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

“Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from!”

A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.

She says “normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1″.

He thinks a minute and says – “OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed”.

She says “So be it!”, and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Question: What is one horsepower?

Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found in rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.

Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.

When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms.

But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. Clouds are high flying fogs.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.

When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.

Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?

Answer: I have never performed this experiment.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.

There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.

Lime is a green tasting rock.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. A fossil is a dead bone.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.

When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I guess.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.

Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t eat or do ,anything, until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?

Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I’ve been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.

“An ambulance just drove by.”

A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

“CLUES”

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.

When I’m not well, I drip.

When you blow me, I feel good.

2. I’m spread before I’m eaten.

Your tongue gets me off.

People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection.

Sometimes big balls hang from me.

I’m called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.

I wasn’t maiden for long.

A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me.

You tie me down to get me up.

I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain.

I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.

I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me.

You fiddle with me when you’re bored.

The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it’s in and out.

I discharge loads from my shaft.

Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard.

I come out soft.

You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.

It’s my job to stuff your box.

When I come, it’s news.

11. I offer Protection.

I get the finger ten times.

You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft.

My tip penetrates.

I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs.

I am a cunning linguist.

I plead and plead for it.

*******************************************************

Answers:

1. nose

2. peanut butter

3. crane

4. Titanic

5. tent

6. dentist

7. wedding ring

8. elevator

9. chewing gum

10. newspaper boy

11. glove

12. arrow

13. attorney

“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job”

–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

“This is a great day for France!”

–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.’”

–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan.

We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh… setbacks.”

–George Bush

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.”

–Dan Quayle

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in

the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”

–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind–or not to have a mind. How true that is.”

–Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.”–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.”

–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.”

–George Bush

“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.”

–Ronald Reagan

“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”

–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”

–Dan Quayle

“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.”

–Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn’t have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

“Bite the wax tadpole.”

– Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

“Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.”

– ad slogan “Pepsi Comes Alive” as originally translated into Chinese

“I am a jelly doughnut”

–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

“We pray for MacArthur’s erection.”

–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

“It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.”

–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

“I’m not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.”–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.”–Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

“Retraction: The ‘Greek Special’ is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.”

–correction printed in The Daily Californian

“Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!”

–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

“I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?”

–announcer of children’s radio show “Life With Mother” to her audience